search to find self = imperitive...
The pages were all empty ... The story was my own to create the old man told me the book would be my companion my guide the teacher within my memory he told me to write my future to construct the world that would be. you see the story is always better than the way we live things lost words wisked away by wind i sometimes wish i could get back why do i desire them so much my foolish focus of past why do i give into this curse the record keeper i need to live i want to live but can't i must capture this stupid trite world for you why desire this who do i do it for is it selfishness is it the castle is comming down it crubles to the ground the end of the party outside inside this is virtual noticing this illusion that every one tries to make reality looking away as if your a intrigued by somthing in the distance west ward ever west ward all the way to the ocean his world had been atlantis and his was the last home to not fall off this is the journey or voyGE GOES WEST OUT PAST THE SEA OF SACRED STARS SO DEEP EACH LAYER COULD TAKE ETERNITY TO UN WIND first time so fast all each song in one note in creation big bang is noise let the storry right itself cage breaks apart is lifted up into the sky cut to animation on screen in front of character dave souls on parade revision character is suspended once cage is wisked away there is a ship in the harbor bells ring they are loading in big barrells but your eyes open that morning and every thing is ok there is a magical beauty in the air nymphs dance around covering the forest with glitter life begins to sparkle an exuberance and glow contrasts with the horrors of the night time i feel like i'm trying to steal moments from god and he is just giving them to me like i'm climbing a mountian thats growing up ward and upward the film starts out with this campaign promising utopia like a trailer almost all these people being given these shot up cars with no seats in them offered freely to the poor to fix up and make them thair own the video has a light blue tint to it cuts to a guy hypnotized in a chair the doctors tell him he can go back to base LR5 he is wearing colored sunglasses they tell him to be careful and go on his way he gets on a motorcycle and start riding across a brownish gray desert terain there are all these bizzarre animalls li wolves running around and then these sabertooth tiger looking animals that make a clip clopity kind of sound all the animals are this dusty gray color lik e jack rabbits kind of he comes to an army base check point white gates a big faciliaty the let him pass i get the feeling the guy is a little slow kind of retarted next shot the guy isin a chair susbended against the walls a pretty psychologist doctor girl takes off his glasses an tells him you will now wake feeling refreshed blah blah blah she goes to the side room around the corner his eyes move and he begins to stir as he wakes she returns you can tell there is somthing more between the two of thm A long hall way with doors any door you open up is a different reality. some times in the search for your self you find a scared litle monster monster I float and I fade and I fall apart north were the foressts west> were the oceans of sancia estheras the journey so in the big bang YOU SEE All of you art life in reverse video under standing how clouds of knowledge fill the sky the ocean the island we came to sall becomes the souls on par\ade art visuals intervene you begin building on that which we all create and the river flows the snake your bosy you hands and feet are unforgiving to your mind it spins all aroud a whirlwind and in another world one brother becomes another money runs down to zero still stealing the little ones whats for them how do you live to leave an exaple and at the edge of the woods there was this little old man whittleing just whittling away whittle whitle whittle so much is happening clean it and he turns and he says to me there is so much there that you forget sometimes to see what is possible you have for gotten the past you are so much like them like those you call names and despise its you its been you all along the one you keep calloing they the teacher inside the colaboration of them all the positives of each this is the ideal teacher no one is listening all the time they just keep going doing there own thing all improvising but noone is listening he who learns to listen has already learned the insanity of the clowns in the middle of souls on parade like dumbo fucked animations i'm answering these questions the rythm of a vocalist was my self who was asking the question none of the sound ever goes away its always there finding and loosing everything i understand my mom the reason she hangs on so long this is our revolution this is our celebration of life each breath is a miricle each moment is a gift we all chase that somthing like a rabbit across a feild at the corner there was somthing new it was a studio junkyard semis andother props lay piled around we went for a walk on the other side we ended up out near residential area that looked like that which is around ucla when we walked across the street acop pulled around and turned on his lights dad joked around like he does with everyonejust being his normal friendly self i knew better he got out and started questioning me and dad i thought they are going to think he is drunk and then we had alchohol which dad began to consume blatently in fron of the two officers who were asking uss what we were doing comming out of the studio which at this point was begginning to look like a park dad proceded taking beer shots by placing the shot glass in his smouth flipping it up with his tounge me and chad who magically apppeared took the beer away from him chad suddenly broke out with a guitar and began playing love song by tesla the chorded version in mid verse the officer aske him his social security he kept playing i started to give him mine and asked what are you maikin a mis mash of us, i dobn't know his social only mine then out loud i said 449 and woke up. as the end drew near we watched the sun burn out into a halo, turning middle sky into a most spectacular pink and orange soup i turned and saidin eight minutes everything would be pitch black his eyes shot open fear had overtaken him. when i grow up i want to be a space suit designer capable of designing all the suits of mank kind a plash of world music enough to see there views living for today brings consequence tommorow you can see it like a wave curling up before you and you think of your family of the young ones from your tribe your clan not like these here crumbling don't envy don't envy paranoia i feel so alone so seperarated this is where the learning happens all the doubt and fear and paranoia there athese sscientists posing as doctors do ing these secrete control experiments on us biological psychological war fare slowly morphing our brains into the right synapses sothat they could have power over us control deep in the land of little kids even i am a little childish abuse of my rights everyone is ou to get me vanity anokother idol another face in the miror what have you learned a lot like what well i was introduced to world music to different cultures in essence it reinforced my whole life all the trips all the journeys i took me the prodigal son me the lost one and my brother how he must feel how he hurts how all hurt in the same way for different reasons "don't you feel that somthing eating away at you" the old man asked me after the crash i stayed with love for a week tending to his wounds until his uncle showed up life had changed it was like being given a second chance walk in love give what you can be kind don't complain have integrity have tenderness the warior sets out on his journey alone life is borrowed time journey home as the sun crashes at my heals its impossible to describe the beauty of the desrert mountains at dusk just inside of arizona i stopped for gas because it was the first i had seen for 1.99 the gas pumps shut off at 2.35 i got some sun glasses and waited for the pumps to be reactivated and i waited and i waited dusk turned to night pilot gas station i talked with a girl coming from utah after a long day of road and desert spent the night in king man where every one is a pawsser thru people who live here are escaping the world they hide here i n the desert at a pace of life slower than death its a ghost town it still feels like 1985 ate at calico a small diner with about 7 people including staff elton john sang can you feel the love tonight my waitress gave me a free glass of orange juice i gave her a five dollar tip i miss people i miss the connection shared between friends on the road again i just can't wait to get on the road again the warrior wandered across the desert across harsh vegitation and a harsher climate one night in lubbock so close to home and all my darker plans and possibillities are splayed before me party so sick of the party the return is so saddenning i never want to look back on this place i don't want them anyone to know i am here for the summer i feel like a slacke r like a fool i should be away learning to live on my own i should have my own place to keep nice to have guests visit to work and live from i should have a job sharing my talents what good are they if unused live with honor what honor is there in standing behind an army what honor is there in pushing a button and executing millions how can war exist except for one agaisnt one a fight is not fair the wind blows gently tonight my mindfeels caught in that wind tossed and turned by the air the sound through the trees at my home where i learned of life in the stillness of this small town in the ever crumbling simplicity slowly becoming more and more like a city the old giving way to the new this is a magical place the big cotton wood the womnd chimes jingle as i sit on my front porch swinging in that swing so seldom visited how co i forget why would i the bigger it grows the more like california the lesser the escape ending what i have the task at hand to fall in love with life and happines that little girl on the bench i asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up you know what she said happy it rained all that summer like i had never seen it rain before rain before the country was as green as i had only imagined it what is it to be a hero all the people in this world ar different people they are the true selves they are our character whats true in our minds is true no matter if anyone else believes it dave things to interpret ship set sail acros the sea of sacred stars(Sancia estheras) storm sequence ship comes up on a gigantic wall of dark storm within this storm are ghosts like going through hell or more like the world of the dead on the otherside is heaven in some sense its this world of past and present combined but the guy wakes up on this beach suspension sequence the text of the piece is just a soul lost and alone in a place unknown suspended in the shapless shadow of death afraid of what the future holds cant move on or let go of this life once had thats now fading away wait not yet not now i can't let go though its surrounding reasuuring me theres so much more than this and its not the end so loosen up this grip and slip away to a place thats pulling thought and memory like gravity and overwhelming me with all its strength against the demons deep inside telling me to run and hide telling me to fight and stay alive this is important the silver thred snaps unveiling earths nebulous antithetic plane a dancing vibrant mass of mists a multitude of manes emenate from gaia twisting and spining painting the ethereal canvas a polychromasia of color neons purples blues greens like streaked wet fire works this part will be all crazy and expirimental like a moving pollock painting with more dirrection fantasy novel an alagory parralelingnormal exestance detailed in soundtrack introduction souls on parade--extend, graphic, clean the ship -out to sea on the boat across an ocean wich turns to stars and then im in the ocean and i'm drowning and i end up on a coastline of a world of the past that first night i lay under neeth the stars lost and alone listening to the ocean crash against the sand and now i'm completly overwelmed im so lost my world begins to crumble and where do i have to turn watching my self fall flat on my face watching myself drown in a sea of anguish my body drawn down by the undertow of dreams turnedd sour. how is it i can have done so much and so little at the same time my life is turning on me and yet it doesn't seeem so bad i fail in one area and yet seem closer to the destination i have chosen for myself i spend my time drawing in the sand incompleted pictures i paint only to be washed away in the coming tide i think of her of the things we used to have of the love we shared that flower i cut off just above the root the butterfly i kept all for myself watching its body wither in captivity when i return from the desert i just want to sleep now i just want to lay down and die i want release i want a conclusion i don't want to fret what they will think when i return when they get the letter in the mail of how poorly I did they will be more impressed with my music my art 'then they will see all that i have neglected tonal skills theory the weight of these two my room looks like a disaster all the peices of me lay scattered about the mirror the rift of the spirit good and evil the black emperor lights go out dark ness act one sceen one let ther be light creation peice noise through filters bang .... after noise comes souls on parade souls the house was my dream house older but still my fantasy past the ball room was an atrium the room is large but from with in it never ends a special atrium containing its own universe me the record keeper this stupid tright world for some one else there is alwaysw much more tio the stor;ryour realm of madness do you let them down you a ...................... dark fre in the aback ther e is a madnexss asduhg;akcfjvzxp f;afdjgjfall defrtejioc to much feeling not enough brian ;lekrfjhokivn;ewokn.d,jh the conductor in the cage ;plosdkifjh it alo scrambles you don't loisten ;you have your teacher all the time d\ the way the letters on this ending what i have with one i so dearly love i asked her wnatshe wanted tpo be when she grew up happy all the people in this world ar different people they are the true selves they are our character afraid of what the future holds a dancing vibrant mass of mists a multitude of manes that first night i lay under neeth the stars lost and alone listening to the ocean crash against the sand the ball room the library the atrium the forest inside we travel for eight days and come to a clearing a great wide open plain animals run wild and free it is a land of past so murged with future ... the sub marine hatches down by the lake- the glass windows the aquarium you look out into murky water and see fish and a city that once was but has been flooded and deserted the long tunnel leading to what... how was it designed after the flood the hopuse was on the mountan ridge long before the flooding it once looked own upon the city when they flooded the land the rich owner of the house had this built for some reason eighty feet below the surface of the water right through the center of the valley town/city *silence* the house was my dream house the things lost the words wisked away bu=ythe wind west ward ever west ward all the way to the ocean big bang is noies let the storry write itself the need to capture every thing is my cage my prison prisnon i releaseher fome her prison to my prison of work what are you doi ng \madnes insues falll of thesesthings going to gether scambling they are files make the files look tliked the romm se it thes way my language is my own the ilkina people were aa tribe tha man has long forgoten sdark ness takes you tunnels passages play all your files to gethers smalol er noww quit puttin chop\ fre jazz lost a nd loosing their reveberations in the distanc i hold the key the key is in me so they created these school s to make the world a da maddnes agaoin another ineteruption i remember the story she sees the fall we find our world its ours all over again but the morning is the evning in a nother world the ocean in me was drowning the one at sea the learning happens as you create your view your teachers point you in a direction but you have to learn what lies down the road for yourself dismiss we are all victims of biological psychological war fare scientists posing as doctors conduct secret experiments slowly morphing our brains re routing synapses to gain power over us its all about control everyone is out rule the whole human race another idol another face in the miror my life is on borrowed time so close to home and all my darker plans and possibillities are layed before me so sick of the party the return is so saddenning how can war exist endinig what i have with abby i asked her wnatshe wanted tpo be whe n she grew up happy the mirror the rift of the spirit good and evil the black emperer the journey the house the eyes of the bird view all that the evil one sees the bird has died a thousand times seperate the stories to put them back together meat your characters create their psychology understand them but your eyesopen that morning and every thing is ok a guy hypnotized in a chair the doctors tell him he can go hback to base lr 5 they telll him to be careful and go on his way he gets on a motorcycle and start riding across a brownish gray deser terain e jack rabbits kind of he comes to an army base check point white gates a big faciliaty the let him pass there is this lon g hall way with doors any door you open up is a different reality. and we sreate this masterpeice THe score listen to the world around you there is alwaysw much more tio the storr your realm of madness free dom wageon foelkiue use it oganization the need to captuer every thing fwhat if my cage is the sshe sees the fall miraslov art and numar a strang sunset the computer program take situations and plays music acordingly do to circumstance I love you. That's all there is to it. I can't make it any more simple. My love for you is so strong. I just want you to know that. I know I tell you all the time, but I can't help it. When you love someone you want to make sure they know it. I know you shouldn't just express it with words there should be actions too. I think that I try to do both. I just want you to know. I love you. That's all there is to it... psychology john watson yeah he was this behavoirist in america he argued that you can't study mental proccessesif they cannot be observes\d in usa 1920 to the 1966 psychology was defined as the science of behavior we're all searching for that revolution desire our own mark our own way to change the world for the beter but revolutions arent fashion they cant be started and left alone our world of quickies could never sustain somthing important enough to change iraq aint vietnam no matter how much you bitch and moan jump on that band wagon lets make some noise anyway pupets arent political our celebrities cary no message follow this way all you sheep you need somthing to beleive to bring you together we were and will be one you are loved not by anyone in particular celebrate the life in you celebrate today be thank full for the opportunity lying ahead each breath is a miricle and then we had alchohol which dad began to consume blatently in fron of the two officers who were asking uss what we were doing comming out of the studio which at this point was begginning to look like a park dad proceded taking beer shots sby placing the shot glasss sin his smouth aflipping it up with his toung s i started to give him mine and asked what are you maikin a mis mash of us, i dobn't know his social only mine my life is on borrowed time CATAGORIES emotions love hate good / evil THE VADI IS THER MOST EMPHASIZED NOTE IN A RAGA | | | | | | NRGMMM,GMDNS,SNRNDMDMM,MMRGMGRS, . -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- | | NRGMDNS,NDMM,MGRS | NRGMDNSN DMMGMM DMMGMM -- -- sidharta -founder of buddism.>500bc-480bc four noble truths- 1)all is suffering dukka 2)suffering is caused by desire 3)if one can eliminate desire they can eliminate suffering 4)the nobel Eightfold path can eliminate desire the eight fold path - the way to acheive nirvana-oblivion when one overcomes desire sila- to be in rihgt mind set 1)right views 2)right intent 3)right words 4)right.. samahdi- 5)right livlihood 6)right effort 7)right mindfulness 8)right conclusions moksha - eternal bliss in hinduism attained after death chakra- well continuous samshara-world within the world karma -through your good deeds you can attain moksha budha- knowledge alone , one who has attained knowledge inittially there is no concept of reincarnation in budhism, but later it is adopted from hinduism 200 bc Mauryan empire->king ashaka pataliputra->capital of ashakas empire ayonda-capital of hindu empire budha->died at 80 he wished to be cremated , remenence, bone teeth and nails be distributed, stupas stupas - burial morned budha is just symbolised for till 3rd century AD yaksi- guardian angels fuck computers my compuyer is dying can't wate my time any more foghting geting angry as it stumbles and falls shshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshsshhsssh be able to bring up windows out of earlier in your progr Kiss of the Spider Woman beautiful story I like the multiple stories at the same it works well complicating the mind and this is only the first chapter this is something to use more in my own writing Poe Dark, it really went with the piece i wrote for the never ending story, with the exception that mine did not have a story. I began to be more aware of this failure of mine, this flowery writing, Flights of fantasy tend to give a more novelistic approach. Its a strait narrative from the dark soul detailing the perversions of a twisted fuck. Creepyness an opposite of most fantasies in which the sickness is in the dream and the real world is the calm inside one. The companion piece I liked because at first it was hard to tell who was narrarating it the two characters turn into more. so much of this same morbid, sexually perverse, attempt to shock, succeeding writings. tend to play to peoples darker sides grammer... man... who has time? Flannagan uhhh... mastabatory there are rays of light though and a humorous flare the journal gets so constipated little tidbits of idea strewn about all my writings jammed together when i broke it apart the part just above that lost relevance banal - nice word murder and true crime in suburban neighborhood who ever makes a beast of himself loses the pain of being human'' neitze evil is easier the dark just seems natural need an action sequence a parallel for abstract thought concrete physical reality most writings here don't have that need somthing tangible not just the thoughts that hide in the background where's the action where's the story settings city - metropolis LA and new york combined small town- Plainview, Floydada thehouse class beach fantasy world -contains all crazy worlds desert mountains forest space spirit world - gaia jungle savana themes giving up control letting go inhibition removal maybe just desensitivisation perverse so much granted to the dark shocking is good so raw set up the audience by playing on carnal desires and morbid fantasy we all have them no one wants to admit it but if thats all there is what is truly there limit the flowery writing how do you cronicle bad times with out whining add comedy realize the rut your stuck in make a sharp turn i asked for rain it rained all day put a filter on everything makes everything look greener more alive a fresh beggining like springtime kind of cliche its how i felt thanks god its impossible to save yourself itslike throwing a rope to yourself while plummeting into that bottomless pit their is no catch point where the rope will snag and break the fall so downward you fall faster and faster. when the raising of a child creates bizzarre boundaries they cannot comprehend where they begin or end. do you know where you begin and end how much do you cross and intertwine with those you come in contact what have i landed in why is it so dark the escape from reality leads to a fear of illusion this dream becomes a nightmare if you let it try to save the emotion for when you need it fight it and enjoy let the dark skies pass revealing the blue beauty which lay beneath mission marriage of art and knowledge jazz plays in the front two speakers from the back lo fi electronics walk out side today to a world of gray that's ok I like it that way heard a morning bird chirp and thank god for a beautiful day A name A peaceful calm in the cool night air its been a beautiful day a moment away from raining earlier standing by the side of the road feet in grass so green staring to the horizon watching the earths silhouette against a grayish blue sky reminds me I am free and alive something perfect in the air tonight a touch of God an unusual electrical charge feeling the cold air collide against my face surrounded by the cool night air I dance nothing is more precious than this moment if I could stay here forever I would an eternity like this but the rain has begun to die away And I know all to well that it shall all be gone and once again IÕll be all alone the air is nice here my faces presses against this cool breeze it felt good to be alive to day TREE there is a great tree of life we all climb upon like monkeys in the jungle of our existance. so like children in the garden our birth is the trunk the rising from the ground the roots and braches a reflection of each other inside meeting outside we come to each branch each fork and are forced to make a decision concerning the direction we go after choosing our way all other options are left to the side we can no longer change but instead add new paths to the one we have chosen taking our art to the next level a more broad range of thinking and when we reach our leaf which we become changing to a most vibrant color we will know that we lived life in the only way that was possible for us and followed every path chosen for us to make us what we were meant to be beautiful trees, see the grains in the bark up to the structure of the leaves always spreading reaching out ward like the infinite paths of life which we have to choose from trees diffracting like a nerve endings a synapse to another plane of existence all the channels to be taken of all the infinite pathways you can choose only one but eventually all lead to the air a connection to two plains one above, one below traveling by foot across the world in the distance a blue mist envelopes everything on the ground darkening before giving way to the sky a dark storm brooding juxtaposed with the coming night fall clouds gather making a dark canopy against the sky slowly yeilding to the night the way the moon back lit the dark clouds exposing a giant rip in the darkness on the edges both hard near the moon and beccoming soft as the clouds drifted away the clouds looked like water the light of the moon seems like ripples a gray filter on a midnight sky the air is so still there is a beauty in the calm Is it not a beautiful night? Are we not blessed? choose this new beginning. candle light sessions settings start from focus point at zero out forevever in forever at some point the two repeat the knowledge has always been a web in a computer screen its seen like never before through a newly opened door Get to the journey within within dreams/death knocked back starring at self in a mirror mirror shatters scattering into oblivion suspension in darkness Universal travel and the ethereal plains souls on parade the artistÕs art - with in it in a world built on collective memory in this place out of time companions are met from decades long passed and yet to come on earth but arriving at the same time he arrived sharing the one common bond of searching for a better place (hebrews 11:13 -16) they journey throu this world constructed of achitecture from all time primative and hi tech. from across the globe huge journey a world with no ending for the longest time it was heaven there in the house with my father we would sit and talk out on the front porch i had free run of the farm the green beauty of it all almond trees there were all these other characters that he couldnÕt see or chose not to see that I saw these were the banished characters the gardeners, the girl chained to a tree by the shed when the abuse happened to me i ran away finally I realized that I was a character in this mans schitzophrenic world Gaia Empty world ghost cities long high way walk think to self the caves the ocean the plain the forest conflict come full circle Love- for angenue soft and flowing gentle, changing, falling apart, coming back together, lost Change to A search- looking for love then dreams, dreams replace love, dreams manifest in music, thinking of girl, more musical enfatuation, drugs get worse, nothing seems to work, Question ing the exsistance of god, torn in two, he does he doesnÕt, believe or question, what is good and evil, what does it have to do with life and love, life is so beautiful, so misjudged so tainted, and a dark need to hold on to everything so tightly. The battle of good and evil waged within Evil - seductive, smoke, hard and heavy, insane etc. darkness, fear, pain, anger, Good - ever present, a steady beat, quiet or louder at times, refuses to interfere, fire works, aftermath - the deserted world war the battle the hybridization of human and machine the next step of evolution the band story and the girl interwined music story - pain friends introduce music music becomes the dream writing music band beginings music and happiness freedom release girl story - seen talked to friend falling in love setback second chance love perfection change need time hurt Music- work more on music then ever before need this release lost in the music wanting more powerful music dispising early music growing as a musician people start looking at you differently more friends why playing rush of the stage girl-questions anger resentment at how easily she moves on talking again starting to flirt snowball fight getting close scared still hurt unsure knowing that you have to make a choice between the music or the girl outsider looking in on a small town being mocked made fun of find friends find music find a place I realized its hard to put words together in the real world in this computer I can be any one I want to be the difficulty in saying things using words: often they donÕt come when you need them later there are to many to push away all the things you couldnÕt say till now what I would have done what I would have said who I would have been it so easy to see now sitting here alone looking back All the things I tell myself and hold inside all the things to let out why can I not rely on consciousness why can I not yell out to strangers on the street so many things to say so many ways to say them but would any one understand so many words made to express the feelings inside not one can express the way i feel it would take a life time to understand I get so frustrated in times like these trying to release it all but the words donÕt seem to come out and here I am reaching inside wrenching my guts trying to gind some meaning to this puzzle called life and this puzzle of of god and of love and hate if I could just put these pieces together and totally understand then maybe I could give some insight but I just donÕt know we live in a world of three minute solutions how is somthing that is decades long meant to survive? so why wonÕt people listen when what I say is so important how do you make it important to them and just do what you do stealing a moment to live a dream to make a dream to find myself to be myself to love me when the world doesnÕt how wonderful would that be almost everything I have learned has been from music it followed me along so closely through life. it been my coach an inspiration it drug me so far down just when I needed it to. I've fallen in love with Hum playing as a soundtrack. music its in me i feel like I owe it something All I've wanted was to give it back to some one else. allow my music to be a sound track in another life. sure the music changes it grows evolves just as we evole and grow it can be so simple and mean so much it almost never ends a constant barrage of melodies in the back grounds of our lives listening to bill evens driving through the rain in the dark on the way back from a date with a lover. just like a sound track. but we manipulate it use it to control our emotions. This is for: the son or daughter IÔve not yet had, brothers and sisters never met, the world, the under dogs, those sitting at home alone wishing for an existence less mundane those with everything, those with nothing, those that feel there is no hope those that point the finger, those that find themselves on the receiving end of it, those who make plans for the future while life passes them by those paths have intercepted my own with or without my or their awareness, they walk into and out of our lives as if they were a mirage we never know who they are or where they came from to myself to serve as a road map to self discovery To God to give it all away the whole experience To a world gone blind open your eyes to the infinity beyond your brick walls beyond what man has made use what you have where you are grow from the ground to the sky knowing: thoughts mean nothing without action to make dreams come true funny thats what itÕs about pondering my perplexing placement in the current fate led moment an introduction brought its summer and IÕm silently staring at the multicolored blocks of a rubics cube unchanged since 8 days after christmas. Its so close to complete, the top two layers are done along with its white top I have not touched it since then. a perfect alegory for my life so close to complete, to success but I refuse to complete this puzzle for the fear of ruining the progress already made. I have come so far, would it be worth the risk to let it all go? this constant work in progress seems to have no end I no longer write it it writes me an Idea strikes no longer do these jestings have seperation its all become one gigantic peice of confusing art or maybe just a puzzle i am forced to figure out indescribable, foolish, important to the artist but with out any lure with out a story or even a plot to draw in a crowd its boring where is it leading what is its purpose i say these things to my self and ask these questions why am I driven to do this? its... ...my insanity shown through? a little skitzo conversation with me and me in all this rushing river of random ideas i reach in to grab a mere handful as gallons rush by passing out of sight and mind as moments are lost in the flow why am I so slow if I could capture the whole and sit it down in front of the world the rubiks cube would be complete all pieces in place and accounted for I guess what this is really all about is my fear of dying and giving no contribution. Art is to me an unveiling of the soul created in the hopes that someday it might change a life or just connect and sombody could say "I know now that somebody else has gone through this struggle Ironically i could finish the rubiks cube and still be completly lost in life its like a puzzle you arenÕt meant to understand its almost like a conversation how I peice this to gether a conversation with the self between mes from different eras of my life its odd to think that I am constantly becoming a new person a better me a me closer to my own ideal of me i know the right and wrongs enough to know ive made some mistakes where i think iÕm going is where I feel like iÕm supposed to go and i couldnÕt have gotten there without where iÕv been some would disagree but i canÕt see that point maybe its because i donÕt listen yet grand ambitions hold me and grow to overwhelm. laugh with me cry with me plummet to the pits of depravity only to rise again to the heights of heaven isnÕt life a game we play day by day by lonly day until experiencing the realization this game is playing me is it within our control to conquer our destinies and live our dreams or should we just sit back relax and enjoy the ride try and contemplate all the movements, our advanced chaotic symphony of life the phenomenon of each minute and hour of every single day passing in the time of each life each untold story recapping the whole of it you realize what was and wasnÕt important what shaped you the mistakes for which you condemed others condemned god what advice you didnÕt listen to how little you actually know, looking back on your own existance with an open heart and you thought you were so wise lived a contrived life so far you thought you could control your fate realize you never had any control just direction guided by your dreams and the manifestation of those dreams in a particular enviroment what you were told as a child how much you wanted it how hard you were willing to work to have it your spirit your guide by your side god growing up with you taking every step right beside you carrying you holding you near and though youÕve tried to pull away heÕs there closer than ever but still so far away every life has a soundtrack of the music encompassing our existance as we go along this unpredictable and ireplacable journey the songs that teach us not only in youth but also as we grow older, touching our lives helping us through the struggles we all come to face. assuring us that we can never feel anything completly unique to us just combinations of pre-established feelings programmed to come along with life know that we arenÕt robots though we have free will what a gift i smile when I remember it its so crazy living i mean you could never plan on what to expect never predict the future never for a solitary moment think you could control it my family lived in plainview tx a good sized town but a far cry from a big city I never wanted to grow up growing up meant work i seemed to grow out of the idea of agriculture it was far to much to work with too little return I thiink it is soon to die away replaced by computer technology i see the world moving in that direction technology will be how we create how we play god another life on the other side conversations with god help you come up with the right answers for your self flash back to memory its funny the way you can relive life in a moment spent so much time looking back to a past holding a future picture which you despise Òat all costs will this not be mineÓ you think yet it holds you so hard teasing, prodding you like a dog in a cage. The discovery such a sadness so deep untouchable unfound though out years of prodding years of digging years of stagnation where have I been these years why can I not find me to open up my eyes know its all been a dream not real at all shhh can you hear it calling to me from within me so quietly words come though me to me shed a tear down a cheek into an outstretched hand rolling from fingers onto the floor like it I fall donÕt you see me at all happy new year searching for the meaning of life the day that I died life began to become vibrant and precious so clear standing beside a newborn me like a child again a child as a child there was innocence back to that magical moment of birth relive the whole thing the way you should have lived it this time but you can't life has its screw ups and you never expect it to be the way you thought it would be one place to another life seems the shape you who you were who you are what you went through to get there the journey is who we are growing up is the journey as you look and see backward in an awkward way life almost seems to make sense My journey commenced with falling from Faith, losing love, losing myself. Life spun me not to far from the breeding ground of West Texas I so longed to desert. I need to get up and go what holds me here where I feel retarded, stupid. No matter How hard I try to succeed I get in my way. Either distractibility or lack of caring constantly fucking things up. I seek Direction every day asking Òwhat is it I am supposed to do.Ó What am I to say when I get the attention I long for so badly. It strikes me I only repeat no matter how differently I think I speak. Foolishness is most dangerous when YOU think it is wisdom stuck thinking of death and the purpose in life Ten thousand un answered questions clouding my thinking leaving me lost and empty inside searching for an answer I fear Ill never find wishing for all the answers why? ah... The question with no final, definitive answer entire life spent searching for why for God and Satan. What have I found but Earth, sky, land, water, tree, all creation, l Form the definition of god in mind, trying to find its truest meaning a search to complete this puzzle of life. knowing the teachings, hearing these stories a million times and still the meaning escapes. questioning the legitimacy of such an Idea in all its grandeur and beauty, but at the same time believing what is said. there can be no denial of the effect christ had on history, on my life. still I cannot falsify, neither confirm or deny any realization of such a truth. religion seems like a placebo could it be real medicine To be human, Homosapien, a person,born into this world with two arms, two legs,two eyes, a nose, a mouth, ten fingers,ten toes, two hemispheres of a brain, a heart,two lungs,two kidneys, a respiratory system, a circulatory system, red and white blood cells, bone structure, gods little science project gone bad on account of knowledge. From whence it came? -a tree in a garden is as good a reason as any. None the less we bring this tragedy of hard work and pain upon our selves. Oh how we had to separate ourselves from nature from what life had to give us to find what we could get from life How the need struck like lightning to get up clothe ourselves develop and form religions, communication, travel, grow, build the villages that grew into empires, start wars to conquer lands. When the wars ended the conquering victors forcing there laws beliefs and and customs upon the losers. Its the evolution of mankind in intelligence in our brains in our cultures. We have the need to create to try and be the god of all creation I wonder who I am when you are not looking who is this person IÕm hiding inside when all of the image when all of the hype has been stripped away look out at the world and into a mirror the things i despise are within cause this endless charade has consumed every moment and I cannot be just one of these just exactly what you please people that canÕt escape from what seems to be fate but is really nothing more than a rut search say it though its hard to say every thing in an instant we made our moment destroying never thinking of the future now looking back sick with the damage left in our wake so many ruined things never again replaced feeling different a small town music excepting difference finding peace wanting more the beckoning a taste of love toy shame to say you are a toy to me that's how I see you I do not find you beautiful but rather an annoying noise maker it was like figuring out a three year olds puzzle to understand you doubtful I could ever feel affection towards you I use you bringing only guilt never the love I seek just another one night stand I become an embarrassment to myself to have you near to pretend you were something more- someone that made me feel work its no place for me here in this prison my mind is numbed in this place this social and friendly job fueled by small talk for i cannot be one of those filling moments with small talk I However stand silently to the side watching them interact laughing and smiling I know my solitude pushes them away IÕm always the watcher i need a job i can continuously perfect i need to create and use my creativity I need to move and be around people I enjoy I need to be able to expand my mind doubtful this job is for me when I am here I long for the studio writing, composing, editing is my happiness Silently I imagine the paths converging here tonight from all different walks of life yet sharing the bond of eating together on a friday night and how many will pass through this meal without seeing the beauty of being something so big something so grand sell your time its all they want your crap is all they seek but that is it for all that we do 21 new life as an adult I put these childish things behind me and create my own new world My graduation from child hood has been the longest day of my life. 4 days with very little sleep Paul once said "When I was a child I thought like a child I talked like a child... but when i became a man I put my childish ways behind me" every thing about the moment not the turning twenty one I turned 21 wednesday morning a 12:00 went out to the bar god dammit! life isnÕt about existing until the next party. It isnÕt an expression of boredom. parties donÕt make me happy anymore drunkeness isnÕt fulfilling. I always feel that I should be creating. I donÕt fit in the social mold. i lived in a 8 by 10 cell in levelland for 3 years now I have be come a polar bear in a new cage some impendindig doom hangin over head the walk arround the corner palm treesover the sid walk sittin non enjoy ment to play pool settling in find voice can you imagine what the world would be like if you found out you were crazy that every thing you ever knew was a figment of your imagination and your world was now at your control your name is Shmee you are insane your brain is destroyed you ate to much acid and your falling asleep at the wheel of the oddest car ever driven crying Oh no, the weed id all gone and Franklin (longing for an alcohol drip) says she will weird us out its all pothead talk real is fake and fake is real video games become life as drunkeness becomes what is real you donÕt see it the way that I see it you cant feel it the way I feel it defenses break upon her head nothing may mean something of this make sense can you the numbness makes sense donÕt be to slow to get to the punch come on connect the dots where you let go determines your flight through the air spiraling through the darkness a 2000dB she comes closer takes a look smiles and says sheÕs so insecure I hold her reassuring that she's as beautiful as life its self because sheÕs more than she could ever imagine my gray sky girl my whole world so perfect and yet so sad like the rain she always makes me smile as I wipe her tears away and say its all ok such a dreamer so afraid always smiling even when she cries and IÕm so glad sheÕs mine my gray sky girl laying down on the couch a pressed finger to her lips Òdon't say a wordÓ while beckoning me to her side sheÕs so cute lying there so cute in her underwear and i just stare at her until she says what and someday in life when time has past by IÕll be by your side until eternity and someday I pray that youÕll feel the same way and IÕll turn and IÕll say that I love you and I long for the day the sweet summer day when you turn and you say that you love me too a young love blossoms all the doubts are washed away for this desire such a smile at moments like this I look at her beautiful face and can think of nothing else I want her eyes locked deep with in mine I love her she turns my world upside down makes me feel whole I want to have deep conversations with her I said it the magic word its truly begun on this 29th day of july I have fallen for her she owns me like I own her I want to share my life with her I donÕt know about marriage i think she sees that i am afraid I will break her heart but she takes me away i could never hold you close enough if I love her there can be no sex love is a controversy with her because I do love her I donÕt want to hurt her but I want her so much she is beginning to confuse love and lust i think i donÕt know I need to talk to her about this weÕve come to far for a happy ending without marriage which i am to young to think of now i want sex not to be a temptation but we have come into eros and my soul is confused she doesnÕt have the strength to resist and DonÕt want to stop it but through loving her I must the evolution of love love never dies it changes into another a friend ship to destroy love would be to destroy god neither can be done the four loves according to cs lewis storge - affection philia - friendship eros - sexual love agape - selfless love Smile her beauty intrigues me her beauty intimidates me I wish that I knew her and that she could know me I was amazed the first time my eyes found their way this angelic face framed in long high lighted hair her disguised sad eyes warm sea blue a small and delicately formed mouth watching her struggle though a bad night gave her the appearance of vulnerability Leaving me wishing for some way to help her I just want to hold her make the world go away make it fade scorpio Rising years gone by since last I gazed at stars so clear TheyÕve been so hard to see with the lights of the city how could I forget nights like this, so clear the universe simply radiating in its glory Clear autumn nights under a grassland desert sky Gods most perfect painting feeling so small yet in perfect proportion lying in this meadow with you staring into a brilliant sky silent hours rushing by so in love... finding some sort of paragon in this moment I n our embrace amazed at how our childish love so young so unsure of anything can seem so strong in this moment I am home twice as real as the heavens above is this love just for now flow out of myself with you in my arms into the stars above shoot past the moon beyond the stars to a galaxy far away created by love just for you and me we are Art in the making more beautiful than paint,sound or words life by the moment nothing ahead nothing behind no regrets no tasks to complete to remember more vividly to relive what we had craving for that feeling i had with her but we were so young then longing for truth but it can never be a country twist a return to the past laying on top of cotton modules starring at the diamonds in the sky miles away from any city lights we laid there in silence holding each other in the night maybe It couldnÕt be any better than the way it was God wrote the story you just have to tell it Maybe a little young to understand why it hurt so bad when you werenÕt there any more and I couldnÕt understand why love couldnÕt endure as it ended a part of me died, a piece of me she took I will always remember her the first girl I'd ever loved Its confusing how I miss you dreams fade from view my hope lost broken from the fall out of your life into the hopelessness of mine I've crashed I've burned I've lost I've learned but still I am stuck in this nightmare I canÕt wake and I don't care maybe life in all its ways changes us makes us stray out of something into nothing crawling along the side of the road that I followed to find you I'm so lost , so lost, I'm so lost, so lost but your not here so IÕve been told trying to move on virgin so much to be said with such a small word something I can never be such a disappointment such a let down that first time and yet such a feeling such a beautiful thing such a release that grabs you so tight and refuses to let go while you love it and hate it for ripping you to shreds down in the basement of your parents house watching saturday night live V you let me inside after so long it felt so right So wonderful gently parting your thighs to partake of this forbidden fruit sinfully soft while slowly slipping inside exploring your body pressed against mine a perfect breast in one hand a perfect face framed in gold in the other a sigh of exhilaration escaping from your lips such a pure moment so it seemed a gave you my all my truest gift became one with you only to be ripped apart some how everything changed that night all the doubts the questions enter jealousy the destroyer to our magical world as it tears us apart the next time is better then better, and better I thought we were destined to be together forever that we were written in the stars I was deceived will my true love ever forgive me do you remember the good times or just the bad hours spent together moments we had thought that we were stronger that love could endure things went so so wrong guess you just werenÕt sure said our lives were fitting together we talked about forever but mistakes I made the wrongs I couldnÕt right turned us into never maybe it was that we got so close maybe you were scared whatever remember what we shared I always said IÕd always be there but when you needed me the most offer up the other end of a phone but a phone calls not a touch its never enough wish i would have been there wish I could have been there there was nothing I wouldnÕt do for you you know IÕd die if it would make you happy, Understand to make you never cry if you were afraid that I could hurt you like I did before or if you think I would do it now please donÕt close this door it seems sometimes that something is wrong and I canÕt say a word or understand a simple point you know all to well sticks and stones will break my bones but the words you said just killed me please say you donÕt care any more so close to perfect and so far away for a reason beyond control I try so hard to make this last just trust me sometimes late at night I lie awake thinking of you and I wish you were here to make these nights not seem so cold but I know your not coming back so I have to move on even though its hard no one can ever really take your place you kept my heart you say you arenÕt happy anymore IdonÕt know I guess it all works out someday down the road say good night to all the love and having faith in all that ever was as I say good night to your memory because thats all you left for me upside down storybook lies about life, love , innocence and other things that don't exist silly dream in my head are you telling me something or are you just nothing something I made up a figment of my imagination a memory or more could this end so fast could you walk away could you if I asked you would you stay what's this song I hear a beautiful melody from the lips of a lover some one spoke I wonder if they knew my name before another whispered it in their ear tell me something I donÕt know should I smile should I cry now that the world has been turned upside down I cant wait to see you again because of the thing i feel when your there and I miss it all day long until the night but when it rolls around i know IÕm all right you make me feel like I never felt with her like a sunrise every morning forthe rest of my life and I canÕt wait till night to see you cause I want you with me right now too katie you broke me you made life right for a time so perfect and then it fell apart I fell from my high became your fallen angel I cannot love, trust or believe anymore you took what set me apart made me a user darkened my soul yet I canÕt hate you you and me keep playing friends time passes finding some one new Ive got someone better now and I can move on Do you see her there smiling? Her eyes wonder from face to face as she stands on the stage with a scared but beautiful look in her eyes. I fall in love with her words and her story. The way she moves, dancing in the silvery glow of the spotlight, hypnotizes me. one more ripple the girl seen from far away i could watch forever but sheÕs gone just like a phantom neverseen only an illusion but you know she was there they are all in our quest for love wounded bleeding wanting needing I watched you watch me long for you to long for me then there you are with eyes like stars and I stare at you standing there I want you I want to love you I need you I need to love you say you want me say you need me too saw you smilling saw you trying I'll have you have me I'll give you everything an out streched hand of yours beckons me towards and i kiss your ruby lips a toast to the one I want and need I saw you alone with your smile smile for a while its funny the way IÕm afraid to speak each time that she comes down but happy for another chance to see her I wish she would talk to me I wonder if she wishes the same thing from me if I had one more chance what would I say to try and make her stay or run away and spend a night with me she looks i look away send signals that IÕm not interested maybe I should intimidate and stare like my heart says I should hold in my gaze and if she desires - in my arms what would I give to live this fantasy to have her in my arms or maybe just to know her maybe its to late why canÕt I act cool why canÕt I be me its always like this stupid timid me i want to see her again why do I pretend I donÕt writing love letters to a ghost wondering what the hero in me would have done would have said were checking out tommorrow that sucks why because IÕve only seen you a few times (he picks up a flower walks over to her) I was just showing this flower how beautiful you are. if beauty was a drop of water you would be the ocean the stars were stolen from the sky to make your eyes Beautiful IÕm in love with you would you know would you care so dark and beautiful a black haired cherub with fiery eyes a touch of purest gold so unique and so beautiful if I were fast enough to capture all my thoughts and write them down down so beautifully that all would see and understanding would pass freely of how I seem to fly when iÕm by your side and the dragon flies ascend into a sky of supernovas as the sun goes to sleep behind a distant horizon and a screen of moonlit heaven becomes our stage becomes our view we seem to never pay enough or pay too much for these summer nights and we live and were complete and were content Anthea (my flower ) If only to hold you so delicately as if not to harm the petals of this ray of light to my day so beautiful so naive so innocent with a smile to complete me you smile so well you a gift from god to show me IÕm alive but I let you pass never tell you how I feel how I miss your face to brighten the day I miss your precious embrace but I miss your soul the most soon we will be together so latched into my own little world the one deep inside oblivious to the outside reminice old lovers only one was a best friend but I cant love her now she became me what makes communication so hard still donÕt see why shes the one I connect with abby is a lot like jesse hours on the phone with nothing to say that great big wallÕs my reminder of why it wonÕt , we wonÕt work then she spoke she trusted me to be her friend soul ripples heaven rains down its a splash from here a splash from there you put them all together and it forms a river and our ripples are our wake its our effect on the lives of others thats what we are here for... to cut order out of the chaos to fall in love with the all the mass the river of souls your rippl passes through mine and vice versa until on some level we each effect the whole ocean with some help from the wind... ...or god so the metaphor or actually a simile life is like the ripple each personÕs birth is the drop and the point where the wave is started mirrored by a hundred thousand others these lives collide with each other changing ever so slightly the individual ripple ever growing farther trying to make itself known in between all the others but it changes every ripple it comes across start from the drop that causes the ripple that is touched by the others as it continues to reach out and affect others unknowingly all it longs for is to reach the tree lined bank where a once proud tree remains only as a hollow stump to serve as a chair for a young couple in love holding each other tight, kissing and talking of dreams and other loverÕs notions The moon on the water shimmers with each ripple so quietly by the stream of Venus I fall in love with her revealing her self to me with a delicate kiss while touching my face nothing could mean more than this IÕm scared because of the way you kiss IÕm a horrible kisser no you are perfect why are you so scared IÕm not ready to say that's twice its the same reason IÕm not afraid for me I am afraid for you why I donÕt want to be the one to show you the world why not because the world is an ugly place then show me its beauty you are its beauty what's out here(rubbing her cheek) and what's in here(pointing to her heart) have you ever been in love before no I was what was her name Katherine what happened Its hard to say or show these things to you to tell you what she meant to me the way she broke my heart the way I cried like you should never have to though one day I fear you must and I donÕt want it to be for me ... I want nothing more than to love you to hold you in my arms so and never let you go I want you to fall in love all in all so we can ride this dream for every moment hold on the ride is quick it will take you where you have never been before it will turn your world upside down I never want to cloud your judgment the way mine was i think now of all the things I could have said I should have said and the way emotions come back together again the way I say this for abby yet it feels the same with God almost and exactly abby abby abby trying to say I love you with so many other emotions a little fear some desire a little bit of foolishness a little bit of recklessness wanting to throw caution to the wind and just take you and have you unafraid all in all fully captivated to feel the experience to be ca ught and not thinking of what lies on down the road not thinking of the tree of possibility - the many paths we must choose from on this journey all of our options so fragmented laying before us when I first thought I loved you It felt like I had to let you go to not HURT YOU TO SHOW THAT I LOVE YOU but is that fair to you for me to hold back afraid to love you with my all because IÕm looking towards the end not at the now maybe thats what I am meant to do true love should lead me to do whats best for you but what is that afraid of what the words might mean its funny the way I sit down and write about you and the worrds have such a double meaining because with you I am willing I am beginning to to understand Agape the reasons are hard to explain At first i I made a promise to myself not to indulge except for love and now with you love means I wait though wanting to concede to lust I loved Katherine for the way she made me feel i still love her because we share a bond and a moment of life that can never be taken away In your eyes I see the future I see our future I see our paths merge and wind onward out of sight when i stare into your eyes I know your all mine complicating me with your soft and delicate features a beautiful distraction I close my eyes breathe you in touch you How I want to give myself to this moment with you would it be wrong to still more than that first kiss A kiss that meant so much your kiss felt right would I mistake or forsake love to break your heart in the end so like a child I wanted this to be for love yet you make me redefine the little word LOVE a term not to be used lightly time to be honest with my self now I have I never want to hurt you then donÕt I don't mean to you make me redefine love I don't want to be Katie you wonÕt be because I wont let you be that's why you make me redefine love with you love means waiting I hold back with all my will she looked so beautiful laying there in the darkness as the moon like a silver river illuminated her skin and she would smile and her eyes would glow and for a moment the world stopped so perfect like a butterfly so rare so beautiful to touch it would destroy it but I reach out any way to take it in my hands and hold it close to my heart you could never be replaced delilah so intoxicatingly tempting one taste of a desire beyond is never enough how I nee to draw me in and make me so high hard to explain it gets too hard iÕm losing control fuckin up canÕt hold back for much longer just like me i show you to fall someone would i want it to be me more than any other its killing me its killing us in so deep canÕt turn back its so late but I want to talk so much are you awake thinking of me {the illusion of both looking athe way the way I think of you phones at 3 00 in the morning} the things you and I said about God and the way I refuse to believe the way you held me like a little child while I fight breaking down and crying in your arms I want to show you all the ugliness in side because would you say its not that bad that you forgive me how can I give it to a god that can never hold me how can I know its you how can you show me through a precious innocent girl how dark my soul truly is reveal your self god show yourself to me mesmerize me overwhelm me empty me out and let me be filed again give me a new life a fresh start let me show you to the world but show me some thing any thing i want to feel you to know your real I want so much from you in so little yet what am I willing to give so scared to give my evil world away its been like home hating it and yet being comfortable there so close to saying come in so close to being free like i know its true and yet refuse it I want to laugh with you enjoy your company Why do i feel so empty if this is right why am i now so sad its gone if this is right why does this aftermath feel so wrong its far from over there is more than this I try to make this hurt the least iÕm trying to figure out now how to let go piece by peice ever so slow i donÕt want it to hurt it can go no further in eros we need freedom to go down our seperate paths and once we do I feel like they wonÕt cross again it will never be like it is now no matter what we want you donÕt know I walk outside to a flooded world and never knew that iÕd think of you and how i wished that you were near with all your love to calm these tears but you donÕt know I love you and you donÕt know i care and you donÕt know the way it makes me feel when your not there and you donÕt know cause i never told and you donÕt know your perfect for me oh you donÕt know you donÕt know the moment I saw you was themoment I knew you were so perfect and pure and I wanted you more than anyone iÕd evereven wanted before so why cant i have I think this could happen someday and I donÕt want to know if you feel the same way that I do maybe I should have said something I hope its not to late could I hold you close and touch you face or kiss your lips just once from out of the fog you find her sheÕs the one you watched from far away and got a second chance with determining she was just as wonderful as when you first saw her abby you should know your perfect for me its like a stab in the heart or a bolt of lightning everytime I remember its almost time to leave our life is lived in moments with lonely space between you and I living together is more like a dream an oasis on the road of life that we alone share why just now do you open up and let me fall in love with the person on the inside why not when we were new for every moment weÕre together there will be a thousand all alone but here is somthing to hold on to a reminder of me to you in place of the midnight calls - understand- for you I will create that you and my future are all that matter now but I cannot be tied by you or anyone and thats my cage but know if you need me IÕll be there but so far away so prepare for future meetings with fleeting feelings prepare for changes prepare for us time to hold each other prepare for us moments to reminice prepare for us a reason to exist prepare for us chances no one can ever take away prepare to fall in love over and over again prepare to be challenged by the friend and foe you never knew existed random ideas in the silence the mind resonates God was poured into us from child hood and you are suprised that I cannot just walk away here I am one who thinks rationally trying to find reason in an artifact of faith such that to understand would be to fall between the cracks and lost in an internal self absolved spiral thinking too hard all the time, enjoy yourself another Idea will present itself shortly into a life of movement let your work speak for you in the meantime listen our goal is to present in a few moments what most experienc in a life time you joke that it makes no difference, but in the long run does it? depart not from the path which fate has you assigned wish you a good journey avert misunderstanding by calm poise and balance thinkin I was just gonna stick with you, I change my hoes like I change shoes deja vu - from forgotten lives "to find the light one must pass through the deepest darkness" A: and you would do that to a friend B: no, but I would do it to you I will become my own poets puppet knowledge is power THINK FOR YOURSELF like a singer who doesnÕt sing or an artist that doesn't paint ive spent the longest time feeling nothing life within a grain of sand 4 cm off reality disconnected like the world is not a a part of me Today seems like a dream, life seems like a dream. am I dreaming the transition felt like a dream put my body in a rocket for a trip to the moon "Go to the ledge step off and learn to fly" search for the further ranging ever changing so many want nothing more than four chords and a melody the press sells depression full of impending doom something shapes us through every moment we exist suck the marrow from life look neither to the future nor the past for guidance see objectives and goals and take charge who wants to be a dreamer an idealist be the doer the conquerer of your wildest HereÕs a toast to making something to being something. Where's your glass of champagne? shed a tear for each left behind "step right up, step right up its new, its improved its streamlined consciousness" my brain thinks alot but it doesnÕt talk about it Its foolishness to think my insight on life is any greater than all the others. Maybe I do see in a different way in a simpler way. the news blasted out on every channel of the hurricane crashing into mexico, still we failed to heed the warning of the storm of the century shot of a park bench beside a large tree enter a ragged looking old man carrying his world on his back, looks around slowly and sits down on the bench. laying down his bag to rest his head then lays down and looks toward the sky you want to be a donkey fish, donkey fish I want to be a donkey fish, donkey fish and say hehaw hehaw bbbl hehaw hehaw bbbl we all think it its just that everyone is to pc too wrapped up in what people will think to say it out loud the rocks of the mountains jutted out like fingers jutting out and pointing towards God referencing life to the movies i think what we are is an interactive movie and the artist are yelling the terms the color scheme important shapes the sound identify sound with color fog because you donÕt understand should I allow this criticism I need an instant memory cache with each new twist and turn life became more and more interesting the line between god and self the thing that seperates the midi ins and midi outs regards to the difference between college and high school students are we so much wiser has it been so long since that was me it never changes not here I embody everything you can but will not have without agape life has lost its flavor no true emotion no pure love I never left until you pushed away And I have tried and I have been to other worlds but then just when everything seems ok there she is and I can not say no even though she is just fucking with my head because she can I took one long last lingering look towards those fading tail lights blurred by the rain falling in love with a computer technology my new love Surfing the aquarian age where the ocean of knowledge is free a world within a world a new playground technology soon computers everywhere will be as inter changeable as cell phones internet providers will be more important than computers music becomes disgusted with pop techno busted forth on to the digital rights debate technicality will spin you into the future the computer becomes a mirror of the soul with the password mirror mirror on the wall... we are an interactive movie with artists yelling shots on stage I see that you are out there staring at me more and more growing like the dark ness clouding this path its like a feel more alive in the emptiness what you see and do thinking what am I learning in each new place I am that is the only standard known for sure always sell somthing give you record the feed back the shops the sun rains down and dies begins to dive as each closes down and they all close down as the suns reign falls to night learning a riff at a time the music lets you yell evil is only imagined ~~~silence~~~~ lead my path to become what i am reflecting back you see it the gathering and the proclomation the story as true as our lives the artist shows them what is real good and evil too some where between the two in the act the words become your own aiming in the same direction as the book god and evil is all the eternal batlle the stories we tell why afraid to do what is good sell your time its what they want your crap is all they se out of everything we do hold longer it makes the changes evill and almost black THE Gift here you go characters and questions for every one from the steel palace {reference atlas shrugged to the cage of words its no place for me here in this prison Love can make you happy but often it hurts , but love's only special when you give it to someone who is really worth it. So take your time and choose the best. not to become somebody else's "perfect person." but to find someone who helps you become the best person you can be. Never say "I love you" if you don't care. Never talk about feelings if they aren't there. Never touch a life if you mean to break a heart. Never look in the eye when all you do is lie. The cruelest thing a guy can > >4.To My Friends Who Are............MARRIED > >Love is not about "it's your fault", but "I'm sorry." Not "where are you", but "I'm right here." Not "how could you", but "I understand." Not "I wish you were", but "I'm thankful you are." > >5.To My Friends Who Are............ENGAGED > >The true measure of compatibility is not the years spent together but how good you are for each other. > >6.To My Friends Who Are............HEARTBROKEN > >Heartbreaks last as long as you want and cut as deep as you allow them to go. The challenge is not how to survive heartbreaks but to learn from them. > >7.To My Friends Who Are............NAIVE > >How to be in love: Fall but don't > >8.To My Friends Who Are............POSSESSIVE > >It breaks your heart to see the one you love happy with someone else but its more painful to know that the one you love is unhappy with you. > >9.To My Friends Who Are............AFRAID TO CONFESS > >Love hurts when you break up with someone. It hurts even more when someone breaks up with you. But love hurts the most when the person you love has no idea how you feel. > >10.To My Friends Who Are............STILL HOLDING ON > >A sad thing about life is when you meet someone and fall in love, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and that you have wasted years on someon ÒIÕm tired of fighting andÊstruggling. It seems each problem is replaced by another.Ó Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water.ÊIn the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs andÊthe last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boilÊwithout saying a word. In about twenty minutes she turned off theÊburners.She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled theÊ eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out andÊplaced it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me,what you see." "Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied. She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrotslained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity--boiling water--but each reacted differently.The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However after beingÊsubjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected itsÊliquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in theÊboiling water they had changed the water.ut on the inside am I bitter andÊtough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart? Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water,Êthe very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot,Êit releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, whenÊthings are at their w JOURNAL Stroud hall there was a girl here last night I think she wants me. her friend was the one I wanted. Anna and I shared a bond. I never understood daniel, a skinny white poser who seemed constantly cracked out on something, is an odd character he had bleached blond hair rolled into dread locks in the front only sticking out of his Rastafarian hat. Daniel and I had been drinking jose Quervo gold 3 shots or so. however it happens that I have a very low tolerance for alcohol. I was living in room five stroud hall at spc. housing ran perpindicular to the creative arts center, fine arts buildings and the theater. I was feelin g a bit tipsy in the early jolly state of mind that alcohol provides me with. With the onset of school I had gotten myself into a nice state of partying. I was on one such escapade when the story happened. We returned to the dorms oddly enough through the front doors rather than the side doors I generally took to avoid confrontation. They were all out there the small town football heroes I never grew up with but knew all to well. Inadvertently my attention was drawn, as it often flutters about in dreamland without my control, to the odd group of characters smoking outside the theater building. I then proceeded to do something I never do, I said Òlets go improve on stranger relations.Ó A couple of guys said cool and Across the street we went me as a first time leader September 11, 2002 this seems like a new year It wasnÕt the stillness or the gray sky a moment away from raining it was the children with their hands over their hearts staring up at our flag fifty stars 13 stripes the red white and blue this was my reminder of a day we will remember forever each of us has our own account of how they found out what that day was like that morning I woke early from a long nights conversation of I walked out side to the stillness the silence something was different it was in the air a light heaviness I felt something that made me happy to be alive When anna joined me outside I said Ògod granted me another dayÓ A mantra for the rest of my life when I got back to the dorm I heard the televisions but it was unusually quiet the usual bustle wasnÕt there I began to undress take a shower and start my day then the phone rang It was Pricilla looking for Daniel when she told me I didnÕt believe it as we talked about it, her in dis belief and me not knowing what to think the world began to slow I hung up with Pricilla and called anna she just found out as well we talked a while hung up and joined the world staring at the Television. one year later almost to the minute the weather is mirrored that same peaceful calm only now I know more I could have never foreseen its not what I expected it just goes to show how little control we really have to those gone today we remember... September 12, 2002 Interesting twists and turns life takes who could have for seen it or is it just a dream perceive it and it is all you need to do is make it Anna came back into my life to day I never saw it coming its like a continuation of what we started but never finished were older now one year to the day I thought about her yesterday morning waking up beside beside me on one of the most infamous days of our times she will forever be attached to that moment I donÕt mind it fit the complications that followed deprived us of any thing that could have been we made the choices though I was a coward she seemed insane and complicated but today is a new day I step out unsure of what is to come praying for the future to bring me surprises untold today I began my journey towards completion today I pick up the compile them and began to make some kind of since out of the puzzle i have set forth on my path I will struggle for completion in every thing to finish to close a book and start another I hereby refuse to become a failure I am becoming myself as a singer a musician, an engineer, a composer and engineer, a composer, a keyboardist, a guitarist, a drummer, a dj. I am not over ambitious I am following my dream I am seeking my calling September 30 I have been very busy and I have thousands of things still left to do life is a crazy ride time flies by so fast but the odd contrast is how slow it appears to be moving at the same time. this I dea speeding by over slow music fits perfectly. October 3 Ashley's birthday was yesterday. I called her on the way to play at the civic center. I feel like iÕm running a marathon. my body is so tired, yet, I must push on through one more day I must run as fast and as hard as I can and give my body the the stl coming on I need the endurance to keep going on Make my rest be the best possible nourishment help me to live like you. 11/22/02 Last night all the cards lade on the table; everybody now knows I have feelings for her. Except maybe Abby. She the one that fills my thoughts and yet I am afraid of that which makes her so beautiful, her naivety and innocence. I want her to come into her own, to experience life not hidden from the world. but in full force. I could love her and that is something I havenÕt felt in a long time. She makes me nervous and jittery and tingly all over. She puts me on a high and I donÕt know how to react. Such a beautiful girl too beautiful to be kept in a jar. She is a butterfly a precious butterfly. Would I .... 3/24/03 I ended my four month love with abby tonight she cried and I cried too. it hurt to watch her cry I cried a little holding back tears as I tried to make sense of the un planned turn of events. It was our 4 month aneversarry. we went to the park by the rive to celebrate and just be alone together. she never looked as beautiful as she did last night, so vulnerable, i wanted no more than to hold her to make her feel happy. so much has happened recently calart mostly a dream for several years now with in grasp and I am afraid because I never planned to have it so close so fast. I never wanted to break her heart but I know it is for the better though now that the deed is done I miss her companionship i miss knowing that sheÕs mine. I had once told christa I have so many choices to make so many actions to take there is a weight building I feel its press already there is not enough time in a day to complete all my tasks what have I done unintentionally intentionally hows it going to be with out her she i did love. who am I its all in the pages written down by the soul and then there was you I find a reflection in films entropy the best love story IÕve ever seen no holywood bullshit its true love in all its foolishness its you and me maybe in another life so sad this all becomes work one day music my never ending challenge i canÕt beat it so IÕll do my assignments and grow its funny when i listen now going back looking at my life in reverse God it only starts with disney tapes and green day to zimmer i always let the music write me and now IÕm writing the music the old seems so cheesy but thats what the people understand how I write all broken up is how lives fit together in broken up chaos driving towards the answer to the question no one is asking of course the twist side is you exchange the no for every and you be gan to see an equation you have to find the zero the one point that ties every thing together thats god thats the god I canÕt find because all the life thats pointing me in one direction our lives are movies we are th actors and we choose our own soundtrack I hate how everything is a rip off where is a new Idea where is the inspiration for something completely unique my Idea isnÕt any thing any different its just longer more encompassing further reaching a simple verity revealed to me through this in dreams alone could I imagine someone who made me feel the way never met anyone like you maybe someday I will sad to think I lost the only thing that made my life seem complete I know iÕm a fool to feel this way to still be in love with you to think you could still feel the same although IÕve screwed it all up doing things iÕll always regret i will never understand why i tried to hurt you or why i cried when it worked iÕm so scared i will never hold you iÕm so scared i will never fall in love again I miss you so much i still think about you every day wishing you still wanted me wishing you were still by my side it could happen it might not but its up to you you always know what i want always you, no one else could compare if you ever have a change in heart if you ever want me back you know iÕll be here wating for you because i still love you i still feel you lingering in the back of my heart years pass thinking she was the end always thought i would return that i would never move on i was wrong
