kept letters
so long saved
I pulled what best fit them all
and destroyed the rest along with the life of unhappiness I used to lead
relec died
the internal self
forever lost

the way I held on to the pain
and made it worse
to write about it
To feed my artists broken heart
my lamantations


reminice old lovers
only one was a best friend
but I cant love her now
she became me
what makes communication so hard
still don't see why shes the one I connect with


hours on the phone with nothing to say
that great big wall is my reminder
of why it won't, we won't work
then she spoke
she trusted me to be her friend

woke this morning thinking of you
want you here with me every moment I wake up
everytime I go to sleep
i want to touch you so much
i want to feel your small delicate form in my arms
i want you to feel safe and secure in these arms of mine
i wish i could kiss you
on your beautiful mouth
and taste your tongue again
kiss the outline of your shoulders
wishing you were here
wishing i could be inside of you
showing you silenlty how much i love you
gently entangling
your legs around my body
a morning kiss
cool air through the window on our faces
sounds of birds and the wild
singing a song to us
the lovers
seems that its been so long
i miss you
and your eyes and how you look at me
i miss that reassurance of love
that connection we share
i miss reassuring you how much i love you
i miss the way you are afraid even though i could love you no more
every part enthralled by you
we will be so much together
life is the art we share
and we will runaway and leave all the world behind
we will share a magical world that we create
where anything is possible
i love you
i love you
i love you
more than life its self
I would die to make you happy
to make you never feel pain
I would give you all of me to do with as you please
i m going on to day to fight the world
to return with somthing to make you proud
to return soon back into your arms
you a princess locked in your tower deserve a prince not a serf like I am
but I will come from my lowliest to a high place to earn your love
to be worthy of your hand
love me while i try
you are what I look forward to at the end of my journeys
at the end of each challenge I have over come
how could I deserve you
unless i was a king
unless I could give you the world
or take you away from it to a place where we could just create
where we could build our own utopia
with a perfect selection of friends
a perfect group of people to start a community of creation
all working interwined
soon
soon
soon


soul ripples
heaven rains down

its a splash from here
a splash from there
you put them all together
and it forms a river
and our ripples are our wake
its our effect on the lives of others
thats what we are he
to cut order out of the chaos
to fall in love with the all
the mass the river of souls
your ripple passes through mine
and vice versa
until on some level we each effect the whole ocean
with some help from the wind...

...or god
so the metaphor or actually a simile
life is like the ripple
each person's birth is the drop and the point where the wave is started
mirrored by a hundred thousand others
these lives collide with each other changing ever so slightly
the individual ripple ever growing farther trying to make itself known in between all the others but it changes every ripple it comes across
start from the drop
that causes the ripple
that is touched by the others
as it continues to reach out and affect others unknowingly
all it longs for is to reach the tree lined bank
where a once proud tree remains only as a hollow stump
to serve as a chair for a young couple in love
holding each other tight, kissing and talking of dreams and other lover's notions
The moon on the
so quietly by the stream of Venus
I fall in love with her
revealing her self to me
with a delicate kiss
while touching my face
nothing could mean more
than this



I'm scared
why

because of the way you kiss

I'm a horrible kisser

no you are perfect

why are you so scared

I'm not ready to say

that's twice

its the same reason

I'm not afraid for me I am afraid for you

why

I don't want to be the one to show you the world

why not

because the world is an ugly place

then show me its beauty

you are its beauty
what's out here(rubbing her cheek)
and what's in here(pointing to her heart)
have you ever been in love before

no

I was

what happened

Its hard to say or show these things to you
to tell you what she meant to me
the way she broke my heart
the way I cried like you should never have to
though one day I fear you must
and I don’t want it to be for me
...

I want nothing more than to love you
to hold you in my arms
so
and never let you go
I want you to fall in love all in all
so we can ride this dream for every moment
hold on the ride is quick
it will take you where you have never been before
it will turn your world upside down
I never want to cloud your judgment the way mine was

i think now of all the things I could have said
I should have said
and the way emotions come back together again
the way I say this for you
yet it feels the same with God
almost and exactly

trying to say I love you
with so many other emotions
a little fear
some desire
a little bit of foolishness
a little bit of recklessness
wanting to throw caution to the wind and just take you and have you
unafraid all in all fully captivated to feel the experience to be ca
ught and not thinking of what lies on down the road
not thinking of the tree of possibility -
the many paths we must choose from on this journey all of our options so fragmented laying before us

when I first thought I loved you It felt like I had to let you go
to not HURT YOU TO SHOW THAT I LOVE YOU
but is that fair to you for me to hold back afraid to love you with my all because I’m looking towards the end not at the now
maybe thats what I am meant to do
true love should lead me to do whats best for you
but what is that

afraid of what the words might mean

its funny the way I sit down and write about you and the words have such a double meaining
because with you I am willing
I am beginning to to understand Agape

the reasons are hard to explain
At first I made a promise to myself not to indulge
except for love and now with you love means I wait though wanting to concede to lust
I loved her for the way she made me feel
i still love her because we share a bond and a moment of life that can never be taken away

In your eyes I see the future
I see our future
I see our paths merge and wind onward
out of sight

when i stare into your eyes
I know your all mine
complicating me with your soft and delicate features
a beautiful distraction.
I close my eyes
breathe you in
touch you
How I want to give myself to this moment with you
would it be wrong to still more than that first kiss
A kiss that meant so much
your kiss felt right
would I mistake
or forsake love
to break your heart in the end
so like a child
I wanted this to be for love
yet you make me redefine the little word
LOVE
a term not to be
time to be honest with my self
now I have

I never want to hurt you

then don't

I don't mean to

you make me redefine love

I don't want to be her

you won't be because I wont let you be

that's why you make me redefine love

with you love means waiting

I hold back with all my will

so beautiful
laying there in the darkness
as the moon like a silver river illuminated her skin
and she would smile and her eyes would glow
and for a moment the world stopped
so perfect like a butterfly
so beautifully rare
to touch it would destroy it
but I reach out any way to take it in my hands
and hold it close to my heart

you could never be replaced

delilah
so intoxicatingly tempting
one taste is never enough
how I nee
to draw me in
and make me high

to explain
it gets too hard
i'm losing control
fuckin up
can't hold back for much longer

just like me
i show you how to fall
someone would
i want it to be me more than any other
its killing me
its killing us
in so deep
I can't turn back

its late
but I want to talk so much
are you awake thinking of me {the illusion of both looking at
the way the way Ithink of you phones at 3:00 in the morning}
the things you and I said
about God and the way I refuse to believe
the way you held me like a little child
while I fight breaking down and crying in your arms

I want to show you all the ugliness in side because
would you say its not that bad
that you forgive me

how can I give myself
to a god that can neve
how can I know its you
how can you show me through a precious innocent girl
how dark my soul truly is
reveal your self god
show yourself to me
mesmerize me
overwhelm me empty me out and let me be filled again
give me a new life a fresh start
let me show you to the world
but show me some thing any thing
i want to feel you to know your real
I want so much from you
in so little
yet what am I willing to give
so scared to give my evil world away
its been like home and hating it
yet being comfortable there
so close to saying come in
so close to being free
like i know its true
yet refuse it

I want to laugh with you enjoy your company

if this is right
why am i now so sad its gone
if this is right
why does this aftermath feel so wrong
its far from over there is more than this
I try to make this hurt the least
i’m trying to figure out now how to let go
piece by peice ever so slowly
i don't want it to hurt

it can go no further in eros
we need freedom to go down our seperate paths
and once we do I feel like they won’t cross again
it will never be like it is now
no matter what we want


Anthea
(my flower )


If only to hold you
as if not to harm the petals
of this ray of light to my day
so beautiful
so naive
so innocent
with a smile to complete me
you smile so well
you a gift from god
to show me I'm alive
but I let you pass
never tell you how I feel
how I miss your face
to brighten the day
I miss your precious embrace
but I miss your soul
the most
soon
we will be together



from out of the fog you find her
the one you watched from far away
a second chance
determining she was just as wonderful as when you first saw her

you should know your perfect
stab the heart or lightning bolt
its almost time to leave



our life is lived in moments with lonely space between
you and I living together is more like a dream
an oasis on the road of life
that we alone share
why just now do you open up and let me fall in love with the person on the inside
why not when we were new


for every moment we're together there will be a thousand all alone
but here is somthing to hold on to
a reminder of me to you
in place of the midnight calls - understand- for you
that you and my future are all that matter now
but I cannot be tied by you or anyone
and thats my cage
but know if you need me I'll be there
but so far away
so prepare for future meetings with fleeting feelings
prepare for changes prepare for us time to hold each other prepare for us moments to reminice
prepare for us a reason to exist
prepare for us chances no one can ever take away
prepare to fall in love over and over again
prepare to be challenged by the friend and foe you never knew existed

Where have you been?
I've called a thousand times.
Don't be distant especially with me,
because I want to be everything you wan't me to be,
as long as I can do it and still be me.
Write me letters.
I will return them filled with whatever inspiration I can impart.
I will set you on the moon, set you apart.
Let me send your mind to a better place.
Let me see the real you,
the vulnerable person you hide deep inside.
I know you your just like me.
I just want to feel.
Its been a long time since I felt any thing.


A continuity flows feebly between us.
It is when I try not to see,
when I allow my self to leave my thoughts and join in a dance of souls,
like a fog's dew drops dancing around a light, that I find peace.
Sometimes I can't read you.
Sometimes it seems like your acting, impersonating my childish ways just to make fun of me.
I can't get enough of you.
Could you feel the same way.
Am I just a game to you.
Do you wonder these things about me.
If the world becomes to much, join me in mine Its lonely here your touch would be welcome.
I know the real world is hard, that's why I make my own a new beginning each day.
Beginning with you just feels so right except for the leaving.
Think about me don't let me drift away. If you love me you should know I'll stay.
You are something special, something pure.
though your world scares me more than you can ever imagine.
Maybe you can give me the courage to recreate it.



Dear Goldylocks
How is the world treating you?
How's your life?
Are you happy with the choices you made thus far?
Has life dealt you a fair hand up until this day?
I was just writing to say hello
give you some inspiration to love life with all your heart.
Attack the world head on and you will conquer it.
Today is your day as will be each day afterwards,
but worry not for the future nor for the past.
You will soon see worry will get you nowhere.
Find Storge in everything and everyone around you,
and know that you will certainly find Philia with me,
though Eros leaves a scar.

Seek to understand(hint C.S. Lewis)
do not disregard this as insanity which it surely resembles.
Maybe I have lost it.
No, I think not.
i remember letters written in high school class rooms just to say
"Hey I was bored in _____ class just wanted to say hi"
It was nice to know you were thinking of me.
Half a page of words the only substance being
“really nothing to say and I love you”
kept them for now. As I read through them I see their child like manner.
As I search for something tangible to describe you and longing for feelings I once shared with you.
Knowing it will never be like that again.
I question if what we had was real, it seems so imagined.
Some how I am afraid to let you go, your memory, your love.
I hold it dear in a special place and allow no others access to it
grown up eros is much different
I think it necessitates more storge
forever indebted
and then there was you
cant get you out of my mind
and more than that I don't want to
every beautiful girl has your face
I want you near
I want you know lovely you are
how precious you are
i want to flatter you
just share with you my opinion
i hold a smile for you
it finds my face when i find your image in my mind
I want you to be here by my side more than any thing
to hold you near
like when we sat by the pond staring across the water to a world stuck in motion
we were in slow motion, seperated, our world was you and me
i struggle, longing to kiss you, feeling so much welling up inside
with no outlet afraid i would harm you to hold you so tight
yet unable to bring you close enough unable to express what I felt
you are my mariposa my butterfly
so delicate so beautiful so unique
somthing sets you apart
i want to hold you so close so tightly
I want to be gentle as i touch you face
as i play with your hair
afraid to feel like this
i hate it when your away
just to teach you once would complete my day
I miss you and its only been a few hours
i don't want a phone call tease
i want the real thing
you here beside me
together drifting into eternity
so new to this feeling
the kiss was perfect everything I dreamed it would be
nothing
i'm so content

what kind of gift is this?
on the surface it's trash
but its more its me.
this is what I've desired to show you all this time, its my proof of love.
Giving you this instead of showing you.
its all the pain and questioning, my original canvas in the purest form.
I didn't want to give this to you, I thought maybe you wouldn't want it.
i thought maybe this is more for another, but you are more, you deserve it.
you are what matters now a reflection of me,
you remember when I said I don't want to be the one to show you the world?
i lied, I did, I still do. but I never want you to feel an ounce of pain.
Thats why this fit even though I thought it didn't.
I give it to you because you showed me it was time to
can't explain to some one who hasn't yet experienced whats within these pages.
maybe this will still you when its the time when I'm not here.
make you weary of the true escence of love.
its odd how i can’t stand you being with some scummy manipulative guy, promising the world to steal you heart and...
god I'm so jaded, I wish I could have been you...
run away from people like me, people that don’t deserve to be loved by someone like you,
someone such a pure heart.
don't miss the love because of lust recognize the only pure part of me and know it was you.
i love you and thats not hormones I’m afraid you will understand that someday, but don’t want you to.
god I'm going to miss you like you wouldn't believe


i don't know how to stop rambling even in my crappy hand writing...
the thunder is shaking the walls.
I am writing
wishing i could give her me and what I am and hoping
i don’t have money but I want something special something insignicant in the long run that will at first turn this manuscript into “fodder” in comparison. I’v thought of jewelry but am afraid of it, besides she couldn’t be more beautiful. i will always remeber the way she walked, holding herself in a way that was completly unique to her. I hate being far away, distance sucks.
I miss her I wish she was here to be all that matters.
it seems like happiness is in her arms
but what happens when I leave I can't leave with a missleading promise.
I cant leave with a "maybe someday down the road."
I keep regreting holding back not giving my all, not leading with my heart, thinking not living.
if I could take it all back I would of at first given up on worrying about this moment.
i would live like we were going to spend eternity together.
I hate being flawed. did I do this right? should I have just with tears equal to mine.


my little spanish lover
how badly I want you, I have since the first moment I saw you
what ever you want I will give you if its is within my power
what do you really want
what would be the greatest birthday present ever
you have the me you found broken and put back together,
and you will always have a place as that, a glimpse at true love
I love you
I didn't review that it was all random(as things generraly come for me)
I'm afraid I didn't get across certain meanings.
you have to understand you and I have traded places,
but you have yet to make many of the mistakes i have made.
Now I am free of theese chains and that is thanks to you , but I never wanted you to take my place.
a year from now I'll be writing spirals like this for you dedicating a life time of songs that will never be heard. you woke me up.
what I will miss the most about you is the way you believed in me. I had long since given up
all I ever wanted was to be in love
and you were the only one that could have it
now all I want is to make all your pain go away.
to take it upon myself. but how?

could have given more should have given more
there is still time how do Ilet go
how many dreams have we shared
how many times have we talked about our future together
fuck me for thinking it wouldn't work
fuck my pessimism I want to love you
i want it to hurt when were apart
we’ll talk about forever know love without an end
how oneday you'll join me and we’ll live our lives as a team
you’ll grow more radient and more radient until the sun won’t compare
this spiral was a different me
a me that died with your arrival
only I don't realize it until i went through it all
we need hope, we need to believe in us, believe that love will pull us through.
you are the antithesis to the downtrodden heart within these pages
you let me let go


I want you more than ever
the time between will be a dream
myservice
fighting for our future
i'm never gonna break your heart
love goes so deep
we are just skimming the surface
and its all my fault
I've tried to protect you
but I'll tear down that wall
and hope its not to late to show you what love is like

the thousand emotions crammed into one
thats what I feel for you
how could I write them all down
i don't though i have tried

I pace my room
and find my pillow on the ground
you gave it back to me something I lost

its all for you now
everywhere I look now
I find a reflection of you now
I'm so scared of going away

fuck I love you
why do I see it now?
why now?
this wasn’t supposed to hurt me
it kills me
my heart is breaking
i haven’t felt that since halfway through this spiral
all my searching and I’m finally here at love and I’m leaving
its like history has a way of repeating

i want you to wher that black skirt on our last date before I leave
my spanish beauty, my muse, my angel my redeemer
you you you its you I've been waiting for all this time

i want it to be yo
i go home to

i wonder what you are doing now
I wonder what you will be doing in a year or two or three

ha look at me on my knees on the ground over agirl

evertime I say your name
it means another thing
you won't understand it not if I can help it
I hope this volume is the closest you ever come
love fucks you up inside

sorry i know you don't like that word
but its the only one with enough force

there's another one, you know, a volume like this
a lots ben thrown away
like my life
in the pages
always has been
always will be

soundtrack doesn't make any sense
i don't make any sense
everything is broken
the pieces never fit
has there been any thing before or is it just us?

this is the best way to write
piece by piece
peace by peace

i've danced around love tried in every way to be part of it
I don't want to lose you
I'm afraid some day you go to a party
and you'll give everything away
and I'll lose you
over a few glasses of beer

that can't be you
that should never be you
you dese
you deserve spain, madrid & barcelona

i'm so bad
I would steal it from you
maybe thats why I have to go
so I wan’t
some time...
next time
i just want to hold you and forget the other stuff
just to talk

love is more than a feeling
love is a connection
its a bond that can never be broken

i say it could never be broken
but I know it can
and it hurts
it tears your insides out and stomps your heart into a million shards
and leaves you on the ground bleeding and all but dead
and when you wake from the trauma which lasts forever
all the pieces are lost
nothing means the same things
and your confused



the wake of love is an ugly place
I’ve been here far to long

i don’t want to write the cliches of youth any longer
I want it to mean something
I want my grown up ideas not my childesh notions


every thing about me has changed so much I don’t even recognize myself in this shadow
the darkness becins to flow from the depths of my soul
and i lose control
I feel it rising from inside me coming up from be hind me
(transition down )
it slowly and steadily takes over me

I could fill a manifesto with you
its been so long since someone made me feel
some have tried but never succeeded like you
I can taste you
I miss you
goings gonna be hard
I'll miss your touch so tender and true
I'll miss your hair so dark and longyour sweet fragrance
your lips against mine
breaking down walls to be together
Idon’t wanna stop loving you
you'll be so amazing to hold after months of being apart
a muse to write about in my lonliness
it hurts that I can’t feel you
I imagine you dancing before me tellin
but it fades away
and i am once again alone trying to conjure up a memory of your face and your body and the way you feel
I hate myself for not falling in love with you when I had you

don't love me
I'm already dead
decaying from the inside out
and I will drag me down into the same doom

I know I could
save myself by waiting for you
by making a promise

giving in has never mad
it never meant any thing
what would it be like with you

why do I have to leave if I could stay it would all be different
why is it easier to talk to a page than to a human, than to you?
sometimes I imagine you face and your soul within and I almost cry

a film of our meeting
so I can remember you
don’t be afraid
I want you to dance and have fun run jump tease
be full of life
I want to remember you like that
so vibrant
I want you to talk to me and say why you love me
make me believe in us
tell me your dreams put us in there together
lets fall in love

lets fall in love forever

i gotta hold on

do it for me so I can hold on



we could make this work
i should't be such a pessimist
we could catch each other
you’ve got to come see me in cali
you can stay
its going to be my home
but whats a home with out you
whats a home without love
just a box

i watch so many movies
its one way I find a reflection
I'm giving you my coy of entropy
I found a new one
its the best love story I’ve ever seen
no holywood bullshit
its true love in all its foolishness
its you and me maybe in another life
so sad

just go away
don't hide behind apologies
don't say you love me
but cant make this work
you can't just turn me into a friend like that

in the morning the sun rises
and washes night away
a lonely night that lasts to long

at least i still feel
at least i still feel

i wish i didn't want to talk to you
i wish there was some one to replace you
i wish that
every day and thought wasn't you fluttering around in my head
fucked up thing is your more of a distraction away from me than with me

how do i just walk away
how can i just disappear
without talking to you
I long more than anything to talk to you
fuck you
i love you
i hate you

i want you hidden away there
on that other screen
why do i have all these fake emotions
what is together any way
take your time
take your space
its not like your gone
but you are
there are so many things i want to know but don't want to know
so many things to say
and i am all messed up
i don't know how to feel
I feel like you are gone completely of your own choosing

you were a inner most place in me
something hidden away
something so carnal
and i judge you, make you so much more different than you are
and as i peal away layers
and wash the mud that i threw away
i find underneeth a marvelous being

music can't distract me enough
i don't understand what you are searching for and that bothers me
i don't think you know either
i can't deal with this
i can make it through
but i am being a baby
i don't understand you
just like you don't get me
only thing is i understand you all to well
nothing ever changes between us
its all on paper off paper
there is no final seperation
we just have these stupid little words we say to each other
to tear one or the other down
you are my companion
i know that in some weird way
and distance doesn't change it
time doesn't either
you help me through each day
you make all the bad not seem that unbearable
you are the friend i can confide in
and you make me feel like i can't even have that
because when we are this far away that all thats between us

i'm lonely
i have nothing else to say

sleeping naked is nice
especialy when i'm with you
your so cute lying the
so cute in your underwear

the stars never shine the way they do when we are together.
I never feel as alive when I am not holding you in my arms.
Wow. tonight, lip biting and all, was wonderful.
I'm drawn into you and there is no escape.
As if I wanted to. I leave floating on a cloud of air.
I feel light as a feather. I love sharing this dream with you.
I love staring into your eyes. I love the softness of you face.
I love the way your lips look after we kiss, the way they swell and look so full and inviting.
I love getting lost in the moment with you letting time slip away
and for just a little while not caring or worrying.
I love the closeness we have.
I wouldn't feel that way with any one else.
That makes it so special, yet causes the controversy.
I don't want anyone but you. With any other these things would be meaningless,
and with you I hold back afraid and timid,
fighting against myself pushing forward and holding back.
stand tall stand firm do not be afraid, follow your heart, be prepared for anything.
You have never been torn the way I have.
It makes you hard it makes you afraid to really dig in and love 100%
to give your all forever becomes an illusion everything seems temporary.
Its Dumb for me to say things like this to you.
Most would lead you to believe in their certainty.
Fill your heart with lies and deciet and words of love and permenance.
Because I love you I don't want to trick you, saying that I see a lilly white perfect future.
I gave up on those after being hurt. I still want you to be by my side.
I never want to lose you. I want you to travel this road I'm on right now with me.
I want you to be a part of my life.
I want to let down all the barriers and open myself up again.
I want to fall in love and be hurt if thats what comes of it.
I just want to feel. I want to live sucking the marrow from life.
I want to have every experience I can.
I long for that companion some one to run along side and share dreams with,
The thought of marraige has crossed my mind I have wondered if you are the one,
you could be if the timing was right.
I know I am not ready yet. I am too young and too selfish.
I don't know if my future even holds marraige.
But I don't want you to go I don't want to just pass you over or give you away
you are far to precious for that.
this letter is poorly written, very fractured and rambling.
I fear if you knew my thoughts you would mistakingly be turned and pushed away
but I do not want you to jump to conclusions.
I Don't know what lays down this road for us. I cannot predict an out come.
But I want you here beside me now.
You can choose to accept and give it a shot stick with me open up your heart and be vulnerable
which Is what I want for you and I both. Or you can walk away while the stakes are relativaly low.
Love me by talking to me opening up to me.
Maybe love will blossom, maybe it will wither,
but you have to ask your self if you are willing to throw caution to the wind and let go and ride the wave.
I have to know you are willing to stand beside me before I can commit fully to you.
I will never stopwriting if I don't end it here.


we need nick names that are completly ours, that the world hasn't used yet.
we could gather our personality traits.
I want to be your best friend to have that bond that noone can take away. 
i want to be one of your buddies. I don't want to be serious all the time.
I want to cut up and tell jokes. 
i want to play you at sports and let you beat me
but have you so exausted by the end of the game that you collapse laughing on the grass. 
idon't want us to be all about intimacy, I want somthing that runs deeper its so hard when your away. 
and it seems that when we have our moments that the other things aren't important, but they are they are more so.
I loved watching you perform yesterday, you really are talented in many ways 3D but you never really show it to me.
I want to show you that cut up side the goofy side of me flamboyant in every way. 
we always seem so serious so set on some goal and it drives me mad somtimes we need those moments of pure release a sparring not a fight.
i want to compete against you in so many ways because then we would be closer. 
we could learn those stregths and weaknesses that you can't learn just from time in a park in the dark. 
That can't be us.  that can't be what we are all about we have to find some other bond something that is strong and not deceptive. 
we will but we don't have much time....
so what is it about us? what makes us such depraved little beasts? 
what am I to think at times like these?
For what do we take our good intentions and throw them out? 
How can I love you and keep trying to steal everything you are and make you mine, own you? 
How can I not love you and  have this battle to constantly rage? 
how can I keep you safe from harm when I could do more damage than any other? 
how can you put so much trust in one that doesn't trust himself?
how can I ask these questions instead of just feeling out the answers? 
whats the point in thinking? whats the point of desire? 
why do we keep digging deeper and deeper into our dark sides? 
why does it bother me so much that I do?  Is all this the essence of love?
am I just confused?  have I always been confused? is there such a thing? 
why does walking away seem like it would hurt you less?  why do I not want to? 
why am I afraid for you to stay? why am I afraid it wouldn't matter if I spared you from my own dark soul? 
would another darker soul would sweep you away so easily because of the damage i've allready caused? 
did I ruin you? did I set you free? did i confuse you and turn your world a few shades darker and closer to my own? 
did I show you the world like I didn't want to and wanted to all at the same time? 
did I show you that life is a never ending contradiction? 
will it dissapoint you when you find that I was right? will it dissapoint you to find out I don't have a clue what life is about?
How if I love you could I ever hurt you? how can I not? 
how could I tell you not to feel? how can you feel with out pain? 
how can I spare you?  Why would it be wrong why would it be right?
Why can't I pass you on to someone who doesn't feel to show you the world? 
why would you choose me? don't you know I'm undeserving? don't you know I can't? 
don't you know it hurts me to think about it?  don't you know you have me trapped? 
don't you know how afraid I am?  don't you know i'm slipping but I can't let go? 
don't you know the things that are hardest to say are the ones that mean the most? 
why do changes come?  why can't we want them to?   am I cheating you?  is everything you wanted it to be? 
am I a fool to feel? how does one respond to a barage like this?  are you afraid too? 
will moments be enough?  what will we build on? what will be our strength? 
will distance make us fade? how long until the words die out? where will we find the time?
55 days to turn it all around, will they be enough?  should they be enough? 
why should goodbyes ever come?  why can't pathways linger on.
why must a seed fall from a tree to grow into its own?  why must some roads be walked alone? 
why is there always that curtain call for each moment each snapshot, the black between each scene? 
why do I hurt so bad?  why will I not let go until I am gone? 
am I gone right now? how can I show you its not the end, and that there is no end.
how can I gently set you down wiser than when I found, you stronger than you were before I came along. 
how will you slap me? how could you, why would you hurt me for not breaking you? 
how can all these questions have no answers.  why is what I've done become so bad to me?
why do I still want more?  Is my soul the cost? or yours? should I fear mine is spent? 
would you let me set you down though its the hardest thing I could do? 
would you let me destroy you? what could I give you?  it couldn't be what you deserved? 
what more is there to say?

p.s. honesty is imperitive to a relationship


 selfish...
god knows thats what I am...
I think about my love for you and wish I could love you the way you love me...
i can see it in your eyes how much you love me
i always sneek those looks they are hard to hold like you would see right through me and be disapointed with the empty space that is my heart. I want you to show me how to love like you
i want you to give me back that love that doesn't know pain
the love thats not afraid of falling on its face
so reckless
so free
so true
because it doesn't know any thing else
how do you want me to love you
what do you want me to do
I don't know how too
but I want to like little abner
but I'll keep running that race cause it fights off the lonliness
and its all inside me
i'm afraid to rely
maybe its not fear
maybe its just that i'm not going to "give up"on all the possibilities
that includes you
out of sight out of mind will be our curse
I know it will

iwill substitute you with my dream
the one that saved me
funny how it came along by your side
like the two were coupled in embrace
and what happens when there is no you to keep me going
to make me fight for somthing I wanted but never knew
when you came along I was struggling but you gave me the motivation
funny that motivation drives me onto a new road and I'm forced to leave you behind
wish you could build a fast car and come after me
now some motivation for you
that girl up on the stagse and my own angenue(however you spell the word)
i want you to always be beautiful
so i could never let you go
shameful i'm so stuck on that
i'm so calculating
every move every moment predetermined for fear of the future
planning for the future
I can't expect you t understand
i do though probably underestimate your perception
you would never tell me if you did i would quit trying to explain it cause you would know what I meant
i've speant my entire life that way
making up one bad analogy after another in the hopes thatone would be simple enough to understand
i can see my father in me feeling like hes so stupid
and watch chad not understading that those snide remarks made in jest hurt like a knife wound
i'm a little of both
a shell that strikes out with all my sarcastic force
and i do it because the inside needs to be protected
delicate if you can cut through and get inside

I don't know how that way you look at me lets me know you are for rea
my glances always try to hide
how do I open up i know it would hurt worse
you are so comfortable to me so there is the storge like walking around the track
why bother saying a word why waste our bond on somthing so foolish as words or a chemical high
but there
i want to fall with you, give up all my dignity and be as anamalistic as possible
though it degrades you dropping you to a peice of meat some trophy
for mearly my own purposes and be proud and not
there is the eros
then sometimes i feel it when i talk and I let it all out and you listen and respond
I feel like I might make sense to you if its only one word one phrase that stands out.
thats the philia. I want to run with you push you and fight you.
I want to build that but how. I'm going to be better than you at piano one day
maybe not but i will try because it will make me think of you and what you gave me.
I will perform and I will succeed because it will make me think of you
I will compose because you set me in motion and made me beleive that life was again worth living. you were an angel you are angel and I love you because I can't keep from it.

so our philia and our agape one day maybe they will come through and love will be true...


how is it I can write to you thinking out loud
and give to you what it is for me to pray
the hours spent writing to who but God 
the only one that listens to my chidish babbling
him and you now
do you like it when I go on and on
unloading my soul
spewing all my fears and hopes
fears and hopes mean nothing with out action
I am tired of my empty words
I want a life of of action
no dull moments
a constant struggle with the right kind of rewards
I want to feel like I am acomplishing something
how can I be paid for my art when I won't even give it away
what do I do who cares if its good enough 

this sucks. Do you realize that you and I don't
hardly have any mutual acquaintances. I don't like
that. I don't get to see the side of you that comes
out when you hang out with your friends. I don't know
what kind of people you hang out with and because of
that I really don't know that much about you. I know
your thought fairly well, but I don't know you or why
you are the person that you are. It makes for lack of
conversation. I don't know. This probably doesn't make
any sense to you, but it does to me. I don't
understand why it has been so hard for me to open up
to you and just ramble. I think that all of the above
has something to do with it. I don't get to ramble on
and on about how so and so did this and how I feel
about it or anything, because, frankly, I know you
don't care. You don't know who I'm talking about
anyway. I don't want to sit there and ramble on about
something that you have no interest in because I
already have a hard time holding your attention as it
is. You're so ADD. If I told you thatˇ the other day
Devin really messed with Gabby's head and that it
really pissed me off because he doesn't even know her
and she's new and that I've come to the conclusion
that I really don't like Devin, would you seriously
care? If I told you that Harrison had to critique my
speech today, would you care that it made me really
nervous because he seems like a
snotty-political-science-major-at-Tech-I-know-I'm-hot-and-smart
type of guy? I don't even know the fart but that's how
I felt today. Do you care that my contact lenses are
bothering the heck out of me or that I'm losing weight
or that I know that Brett is involved in things he
really souldn't be involved in or that Zane nearly
broke both his ankles or that Clay broke up with
Amanda or that I'm pissed off with certain members of
my family or that I'm really uncertain about really
stupid things right now and am letting them bother me
to the point that I don't want to get up in the
morning? Tell me you don't really care about those
things, and I'll give you a gold star for being
honest................C'm on, Kyle. I'm a very angry
person. What sucks is that I'm angry about a lot of
insignificant things that I really can't remember.
Deep inside I have so much anger mixed with sadness,
fear, and anxiety that I don't even care that it's
there. What's the point I think. Why should I let it
out? So that I can write something like this? That's
crap. So you can think oh, poor, deprived, sheltered
girl. The things you've missed out on. I hate when
people do that or feel sorry for me. Maybe most of
this doesn't have anything to do with our not knowing
the same people, but I really don't think that you
would or could care about the crap that goes on during
my day. You have enough to deal with already. I don't
know. I just know that I have to leave now to go meet
my mom and Amanda.
Ah air conditioning is nice I just got off work
I did well today I got some tips for improving tips and they worked I guess.
Anyway, I guess i better take my broke ass down to find you a birthday present.  
Just find your song and get me a copy of it I'll make you a mix cd and put it on there when you come by saturday,
we can do it reall quick like.
don't ever feel bad about your voice its an instrument to be learned just like piano.
  Just keep using it. it will find itself. sing along to the radio in the car not loudly but to where you can hear your self.
  Its harder to sing quietly than it is to sing loudly.  
I would love to be in the show with you but it just isn't legisticaly possible i will try to run sound for it.
but running sound sucks I want to perform explain that mentality.


What do you know about love, Kyle?
I know that sounds kind of rude, but I really don't mean it like that.

maybe you should mean it like that...

all I ever thought love was changed with you it had changed before but you are so different.
You have this quality that I can't quite put my finger on.
Its this innocent and longing to experience life combination that I can't really describe. 
Its like i take you higher and higher
you promise me that you have wings
yet i still don't want to drop you because I am worried about your safe landing.


cs lewis was probably smart for breaking love into four seperate kinds,
I think it is more coĻmplicated than that love is somthing we don't have a choice on whether of not we share we just get to decide how much and of what kind. 
yeilding to a passer by on the street is a form of love. 
The way we hold each other trying to make each other feel is another. 
i think the love in our since is what we try to do for one another. 
I haven't given enough to you. How can I?  
I could commit myself to you but a thousand miles makes it hard I would stay with you while I was here and we would grow so intertwined and be inseperable. 
I don't know why you chose to love me I am so glad you did I needed exactly that in my life at the moment you came along. 
I think there is some emotion invested in love whether or not love is the emotion is a different question. 
Love is something you can give without wishing to recieve back. 
When love is given with the expectation of love in return dissapointment pokes up it ugly head.
disappointment begats the fear of dissapointment
whether its the pain of being disapointed or the pain from holding back because you are afraid of being disappointed.  
Why is there the fear that you might not be exactly what I had in mind later on down the road.  Why am I afraid of something so selfish. 
  The way you are enthralls me but I don't know why.
Is that love if thats love than I was in love with you from the moment I saw you walk across the theatre. 
We were meant to be you know it as well as I do, nobody can take that away from us distance won't effect that.
You love so much better than me I can tell by the way you recognize my needs. I want to meet your needs but I am afraid of time.
I'm afraid it will be like my capstone were I work and work on it and still at the end be unhappy so I try not to try.
Trying not to make it seem like I'm doing any more than testing to see if it will work.
I really want to dive in predict the future, no, to be able to say fuck the future, I love you now and forever and nothing will ever change that for the rest of eternity. 
you belong by my side my beautiful trophy my strength my everything.  
That I want you by my side to win an oscar and when the camera scrolls across the world will say look how lucky he is to have her. 
I dream that you would be my biggest fan rooting for me when noone else will.  
I want my dreams to have you as apart of them I don't want you to be stuck here in Texas. 
But I can't get you out you have to do that on your own. 
Find a dream thats not me and I'll help you make it reality, i'll give you the courage a reason to succeed. 
you've done it for me.  You will always be watching I know it you are a reason to be more a reason to fight with all my heart to create somthing amazing. 
I want you always to strike me like you struck me that first time I saw you.
I loved you that first moment I saw you you were everything I had been looking for, so beautiful, God I couldn't and still cant get… over how beautiful you are. 
Is it wrong of me to want you to stay that way forever? 
Beautiful and cool the dream girl the fantasy girl cut out of fantasy and given to me in real life.  
I love you because I didn't settle for something with you you were everything I wanted you to be.  
And then you did everything as perfectly as wanted you to.  
I just want to know more about the soul inside so that I don't judge so much by the outside that I fell in love with.  
love,

you make me feel special and you really mean so much to me.
i love when we're alone together and i love listening to
you talk. i want to open up but i don't know how. i'm
afraid, oh, so afraid of so many small pointless
things, yet i am unable to overcome them. i want to
just unleash and have that freedom to express myself
and not care if i make sense or not. just to let go
and finally decide what i believe in and how i feel
about things instead of waiting to know what others
think first and then deciding what i believe. you keep
asking me to open up but i don't know how i feel about
a lot of things. i'm still trying to figure things
out. you know i've been obsessed about you for the
longest time. i've already told you. i want to fall in
love too but i'm scared. what does it mean? am i ready
to fall in love? am i unselfish enough to love you? am
i mature enough to love you and not hurt you?... it
goes on and on like that. i want to run with you. i
want to figure things out with you but can i keep up?
are you willing to slow down a bit until i can match
your pace? i don't want you to carry me; i don't want
you to drag me. i want to run alongside you. do you
know what i mean? yes, i do want to tell you how much
i love you, but i'm afraid of confusing lust for love.
why do i love you? why do i feel thiNs way? is it
right? is it love? you know those questions. i'm sure
you're asking yourself the same ones. OHHH! why can't
i just know these things? why don't i know myself
already? it's only been 19 1/2 years. oh, oh, oh.
your black haired cherub,


I'm having a better day today. I really love the
cloudy sky and all the rain. I wish it could be like
this every day. I'm relieved because i get to go home
early today. no rehearsal. It sucked yesterday. I
couldn't sing worth a dime, and I had practiced it. I
feel so stupid 'cause everyone else has incredible
voices and I'm a music major who can't even seem to
find the right pitches when she sings. Thank God I
only have one solo in the whole show. Anyway, I wish
you were iįn it, but that's just life.
So what is this concert that you're talking about?
Does it depend on Tim because you only have two
tickets? cool. just let me know in time so that I can
see if I can go.
What do you know about love, Kyle? I know that sounds
kind of rude, but I really don't mean it like that.
I'm asking you what you know about love that way you
can share it with me. I don't think love is just an
emotion. In fact, I'm trying to decide if it is even
an emotion. Love as a verb. I think that when you love
someone, you don't necessarily have to understand
them, but you try and you care for that person and
recognize his or her needs and try to fulfill those
needs to the best of your ability and want to know
everything about him or her. You can relate to that
person because he\she is able to do things that you
can't (say express what you can't express and so on)
and most of all you can look past the person's
≤shortcomings and see the beauty that lies within. And
after you know this person inside and out and have
lived with and put up with this person for years and
years caring for him or her through sickness,
depression, hatred, and, well, life, and after all
this, you still desire to care for this person and
stay by his or her side and forget the ugliness and
remember the beauty that, Kyle, is true love. Love
dosen't occur overnight. Love is a long process that
people today don't have the patience to try. It is
difficult but I imagine it is rewarding. It is
extremely painful especially when it goes
unappreciated, but, yet, it is incredible. To be able
to do something for the one you deeply care for has to
be one of the most satisfying feelings a person could
ever have. I still can't describe love as an emotion.
Is love the knot in your stomach when that person
walks by? Is it the smile that spreads over your mouth
whenł you think of that person? Is it the satisfaction
you get when that person notices you? Is it the
excruciating pain you get when you think of someone
else one day holding and getting to know and
comforting that person you so desperately care about?
Is it the joy you feel when that person is elated, or
the sadness you feel when that person is down? Is it
the readiness to forgive and forget? Is it the worry
for that persons physical and emotional safety? Is it
the desire to be everything that that person wants you
to be and more? Is it the desire to be able to depend
on that person and have that person depend on you and
in so doing, become one? Is it the ability to ignore
what the person was and what it could be and just
focus and appreciate what that person is? Is it all of
this and is there so much more that I haven't even
begun to imagine?
So why do I say that I love you? Because you mean more
to me than any other persoīn I have ever known. Why?
Because you open my eyes to different things even
without you speaking a word. I feel that I can relate
to you even though I don't know exactly why. And all
the things I mentioned, are just a Little of what i
feel for you.
Maybe my idea of love emotional and I guess physical
is not entirely accurate, but it is something to work
with and develop. It's my own ideas. Help me
understand it better. I don't even know if anything of
what I've said makes sense or if i have just
contradicted myself over and over again. I feel like I
have. I'm sorry. Tell me what you think.


hey, thanks for e-mailing me this morning like you
said you would. i know i can always count on you. i'd
been looking forward to checking me mail all day
long...you're so sweet.
soooo, how was work today? were you busy? are your
lunch co-workers as nice as the evening shift people?
sorry i was so quiet last night. i'm Őjust having a
little trouble adjusting to things. i've been thinking
too much....or not enough......i don't know. i don't
know what i'm supposed to do or to think or where to
go, etc....everything is so hazy and i'm tired of
straining my eyes to see through it. i just want to go
along and que sera, sera (whatever will be, will be).
....maybe i just need to forget everybody and
everything..... i've been walking around with a huge
lump in my throught for the past few days. i don't
know what's wrong, kyle. help me. i don't know what
you should do just help me snap out of it. i'm so
sorry i'm being like this. i can't help it. you're the
only person i can turn to. if i talk to my mom, she
starts freaking out and it just annoys me.
talk to me. tell me what you want so that i can at
least make sense of one issue in my life.
i love you, but you keep telling me that i don't know
what love is......that really hurts....i've gotta go.


every time i'm with you my heart breaks. it breaks
because as i rest my head on your shoulder or hold
your arm or kiss you, i know that one of these days
i'm going to want to do that and you won't be here.
you'll be half way across the country. so i try to
take in every moment i have with you and take
advantage of every opportunity i have to be with you.
i know that no matter how much i prepare for what's
going to happen in the future, i'll never truly be
ready for it. all i know is that i want you to go but
i don't want to lose you in the process. it's like you
said before, "there's no happy solution." i wish there
was. i miss you already..... i'm afraid. i don't
want to stay here by myself, yet i don't see it
happening any Áother way. every one has his own road to
travel and this one is mine...this one is mine. i'm so
scared. i don't like being scared. i hate it but i
feel so helpless because i can't stand up to it. i
hate that too... . . . . i'm sorry, kyle. yesterday
was insane. i know better than to go lie down on your
bed. oh well, God know we won't have any more
opportunities like that for a long time. i'd better go
now.
>i love you.

>hey, sorry that you thought i'm ignoring you. you said
>you didn't mean it but i know that as much as you hate
>to admit it you did mean it. i really am not trying to
>ignore you it's just i know that you're busy and i
>don't want to get in your way. also, i'm pretty busy
>with finals coming up and all. i'm sorry. i'll make it
>up to you. gosh, i'm really tired. that medication
>i've been taking makes me drowsy. well, i'd better go
>do my homework and get it over with. i just felt like
>e-mailing so i did. talk .to you later. God bless.


Hey, baby. I don't know how to start this. I feel
really bad for the way I reacted last night. I really
am happy that you got this job. Don't think that I'm
not. It just seemed that you didn't really care that
it's getting harder and harder for us to see each
other. I hate it when you say I'll see you when I see
you or stuff like that because it seem like you don't
really want to try. I don't know, Kyle. I'm a girl. I
need to constantly be reassured. If I could change
that part of myself, then I would. And I am trying. I
love you, Kyle. I want to be with you as much as I can
while you're not so far away, and to know that the
possibility of that is becoming less and less is
really painful. I guess it hurts more now because I
know that you are still so close, and it's just a
matäter of us making the effort or having the desire to
see each other. When you're in California, we'll have
a real excuse for not being able to see each other.
Somehow I think that might not hurt as much. It'll be
something different then. I don't know. Maybe I'm just
being a little too selfish. I know we'll work
something out. I'll talk to you later.
Love,
Hey, baby. It was really good to see you yesterday.
I'm glad I went. Did the guys make fun of you for saying such a long goodbye? (He, he.)
I'm sorry I was so bitchy yesterday. I've just been stressing out big time.
Apparently strep throat is brought on by stress and kept alive in one's system by stress,
so I really need to just take it easy so that my body won't keep having relapses.
This has pretty much been the worst summer of my life.
It's like I've let everything build up, and it's built up to the point where I'm hurting myself.
My body is doing wierd things like not functioning properly.
I can't take it anymore. I always do this to myself.
I hold everything in and then I get sick.
Last year it was anemia, the year before it was the measles...
Every year it's the same cycle. I need to do something about it, but I don't know what.
Maybe I should start smoking. (Just kidding.) I don't know.
The most horrible thing happened to me today.
I was driving myself to school this morining, and as I was coming,
I came across some birds in the road. Well, as I approached them,
they of course began to take flight, but one of them seemed a little slow.
I thought I had avoided hitting it but wasn't sure so just forgot about it.
Well, after speech, I parked my car in front of the computer lab, and when I got out,
I noticed the poor bird was stuck in the front part of my car.
It's horrible. There's a dead bird's head sticking out of the front of my car.
You wouldn't believe it. It's like I placed it there on purpose
it's right in the center with it's body in my car, it's wings spread out,
and it's head sticking out.
I'm afraid to touch it so I don't know what to do. It's terrible.
My car looks even more ghetto.

Anyway, today Dr. Rowan asked me if I was related to Sam and Amanda.
He said he was wondering because I look a lot like them,
and he noticed that I had the same last name.
I told him yes and he started talking about how wonderful they are and how they were such good students and nice kids.
They were in his class like four years ago, Kyle!!!!
Why does he still remember them and now associate me with them?!
I hate having people watching me to see if I'm going to be as good a student as my two siblings are.
It bothers me. I'm me and I lŃive up to the standards I set for myself.
There. Ughhhh. I hate my life. It stinks.

Man, I can't believe Gene. He wants us to have rehearsal on the fourth of July.
I really wanted to go spend the fourth in Austin.
I thought It would be cool to celebrate the fourth at our state capital, but I guess it just isn't going to work out.
At least I'll be out of school by then. I need to memorize my lines.
Man, I don't want to go to Austin after all anyway.
Christina is going down there to see my brother with my bro's friend Hector and his girlfriend Sylvia.
Why can't she just leave my bro alone?! I guess it's none of my business.
I try my best to stay out of his business, but it's hard.
Anyway, I guess it all works out after all.
Are you tired of me rambling and complaining yet? I don't know. I could go on and on, but I think that'll do it for now. You have to write back. I won't have it any other way. I'd better go now. Talk to ya later.
Love,


i cant get you out of my mind
and more than that I don’t want to
every beautiful girl has your face
I want you near
I want you know lovely you are
how precious you are
i want to flatter you
just share with you my opinion o
i hold a smile for you
it finds my face when i find your image in my mind
I want you to be here by my side more than any thing
to hold you near
like when we sat by the pond staring across the water to a world stuck in motion
we were in slow motion, seperated, our world was you and me
i struggle, longing to kiss you, feeling so much welling up inside

with no outlet afraid i would harm you to hold you so tight
yet unable to bring you close enough unable to express what I felt
you are my mariposa my butterfly
so delicate so beautiful so unique
somthing sets you apart
i want to hold you so close so tightly
I want to be gentle as i touch you face
as i play with your hair
afraid to feel like this
i hate it when your away
just to teach you once would complete my day
I miss you and its only been a few hours
i don’t want a phone call tease
i want the real thing
you here beside me
and together we can drift into eternity
so new to this feeling
the kiss was perfect everything I dreamed it would be
nothing
i’m so content
you are precious
i see you and I fall in love
your eyes full of life
a smile worth a million
so soft so pure so amazing
I can’t believe we are here
I want to hold you for hours
as we stare into the stars
any excuse to have you near
could I take you with me
is this a seed of love
I don’t know what to say
you have me dumbfounded
you have me

when i timidly said I loved you I meant those words
it scares me its hard to say
above all we long to be loved

I sat staring out the window of my fathers pickup truck.
the flock of black birds I watched circled round and round a tall building searching for a place to perch a place to be content. I watched as each and every bird slowly found its own place
I associated with those who found their place late;
those who stayed in the air still searching for whatever it was that they were looking for..
I theorized that they were didn’t want to follow the hype that they would rather be lost than find rest with the others. don’t know why I told this since it makes little since to me, but I thought of you while I watched them fly around I envy the way you see life, the way you let it happen, the way you seem content like everything is wxactly the way it should be. Yet I float aroung looking for a place never content. I love it when you are near.
I miss you when you’re gone. I wonder what the future may hold for you and me.
I miss your kiss it means more than you know.
It was the firslood the room with just enough light to begin to see.
Stick around for a while. Burn bright. Burn long.

Storge,

its difficult to define Love
There is a world out there all fighing for that chance to define it for you,
I see it when I look into your eyes
when I see the softness of your face.
You’re quiet scared, mannerisms.
I see you and that’s all it takes for me to know what love is and isn't.
I won’t follow their deffinitions.
I want to make our own.


you are there staring silently into space
leaving me to wonder what words you save for when we're miles away
you touch me and open me up to a world without words
and all but you fades away


I love you though I find it hard to say
when your away the sky seems gray
I long to touch your face
to feel your warm embrace
skat
ten thousand times I day dream that you were by my side
can’t wait to talk to you tonight
you my lover who's never there
someday when my work is through
I will be with you
I love your smile, your pouty bottom lip
your long dark hair framing your face
the heart shaped lips that perfect nose
beautiful cheeks so ambient when you laugh

We are a song about falling in love together we’re a dream I once gave up on

I just want to hold you to give you every night
for the rest of my life
to know you like a husband of 75 years
or a brother but a lover and a friend

I wish this trip would last forever
That we could continue this as if there were no end
As if we weren’t winding toward the end of our journey
and it seems so much easier to hurt than to be happy
I want you to take this path with me to shore
our down time you make me feel alive
you give me something to look forward to each morning
I can sleep two hours with you and feel more
refreshed than the whole 8 alone
I can imagine living with you waking in the middle of the night to go record flights of extacy
=================================================================================================================================================================== in dreams alone could I ever imagine
having someone who made me feel
the way you could
never met anyone like you
maybe someday I will
its sad to think
that I lost the only thing
that made my life seem complete
I know i’m a fool to feel this way
to still be in love with you
to think you could still feel the same
although I’ve screwed it all up
doing things i’ll always regret
i will never understand
why i tried to hurt you
or why i cried when it worked
i’m so scared i will never hold you
i’m so scared i will never fall in love again
I miss you so much
i still think about you every day
wishing you still wanted me
wishing you were still by my side
it could happen
it might not
but its up to you you always know what i want
always you, no one else could compare
if you ever have a change in heart
if you ever want me back
you know i’ll be here wating for you because i still love you
i still feel you lingering
in the back of my heart


the longer I stare at this picture the more it hurts.
I see deeper than the blue tint filter capturing your beauty.
I see all the times we were together.
I REMEBER who we were, what we've gone through.
I remember the conversation we had that you seem to have forgotten.
that we both pretend didn't happen.
You're fighting so hard to make this work.
I'm staring down at the pieces of us
and can't find the will power to try to pick them up.


you keep talking of visiting of not breaking up over the phone
small trinkets that show me you still care.
Would you think that you don't go through my head every day.
Truth is if you came I still think it would be for that.

I can't hold on to this any longer
not like this
I can't do the phone calls
I don't want to see you rarly and try to cram in enough to last for the rest of a semester.
you clarified things in me that I don't like.
I don't want to close doors on anything else that might be
i could never convince you That I do love you and part of that is why i want it this way.
you are one of the last remaining fragments of a life I have to give up
you my angel led me here with out you none of this is possible

how do i let go gently
How do I keep you as a friend
how do I let you know i care
that I wish you happiness
that i think the best of your life still lies ahead
That i think this is really the best for both of us
if i could box up the atmosphere here
and send it to you
i would
in the distance a painting
the way the clouds kissed the mountains
and exploded in sunshine
rippleling out in pink and orange waves
i wish that you could be by my side
and i could see this glow,the colors of heaven, on your face
and that beauty would only be so slight as compared to the sight of your smile
could i buy you happiness with all the gold in the world
or by plucking the stars from heaven


sometimes i lie awake in bed thinking of you
your small delicate hand in mine
the contour of you kneck is what i find my self desiring the most
the long sensuous lines conecting that perfect cherub face
to your small smooth body wrapped around me
my desires and what I know i must do are not the same
i do love you
i do care

I find myself thinking of the sensuous lines of your neck connecting your perfect cherub face
to your small body lying beside me
your small soft and delicate hand inside of mine

and it seems so much easier to hurt than to be happy


could have given more should have given more
there is still time how do I let go
how many dreams have we shared
howmany times have we talked about our future together
fuck me for thinking it wouldn’t work
fuck my pessimism I want to love you
i want it to hurt when were apart
we’ll talk about foreverknow love without an end
how oneday you’ll join me and we’ll live our lives as a team
you’ll grow more radient and more radient until the sun won't compare
this spiral was a different me
a me that died with your arrival
only I din’t realizeit until i went through it all
we need hope, we need to believe in us, believe that love will pull us through.
you are the antithesis to the downtrodden heart within these pages
you let me let go

I want you more than ever
the time between will be a dream
my service
fighting for our future
i'm never gonna break your heart
love goes so deep
we're just skimming the surface
and its all my fault
I've tried to protect you
but I'll tear down that wall
and hope its not to late to show you what love is like

a thousand emotions crammed into one
thats what I feel for you
how could I write them all down

i don't

I pace around my room
and find my pillow on the ground
you gave it back to me something I lost

its all for you now
everywhere I look now
I find a reflection of you now
I'm so scared of going away

fuck I love you
why do I see it now?
why now?
this wasn't supposed to hurt me
it kills me
my heart is breaking
i haven't felt that since halfway through this spiral
all my searching and I'm finally here at love and I'm leaving
its like history has a way of repeating

i want you to wear that black skirt on our last date before I leave
my spanish beauty, my muse, my angel my redeemer
you you you its you I've been waiting for all this time

i want it to be you
i go home to

i wonder what you are doing now
I wonder what you will be doing in a year or two or three

ha look at me on my knees on the ground over a girl

sorry i know you don't like that word
but its the only one with enough force

there's another one, you know, a volume like this
a lots ben thrown away
like my life
its me in the pages
always has been always will be

soundtrack doesn't make any sense
i don't make any sense
everything is broken
the pieces never fit
has there been any thing before or is it just us?

this is the best way to write
piece by piece
peace by peace
i've danced around love tried in every way to be part of it
I don't want to lose you
I’m afraid some day you go to a party
and you'll give everything away
and I'll lose you
over a few glasses of beer

that can't be you
that should never be you
you deserve spain, madrid & barcelona

i'm so bad
I would steal it from you
maybe thats why I have to go
so I won't
some time...
next time
i just want to hold you and forget the other stuff
just to talk



I know I could
save myself by waiting for you
by making a promise

giving in has never mad
it never meant any thing
what would it be like with you

why do I have to leave if I could stay it would all be different
why is it easier to talk to a page than to a human, than to you?
sometimes I imagine you face and your soul within and I almost cry

i'm going to film you next time we meet
so I can remember you
so don't be afraid
I want you to dance and have fun run jump tease
be full of life
I want to remember you like that
so vibrant
I want you to talk to me and say why you love me
make me believe in us
tell me your dreams put us in there together
lets fall in love
lets fall in love forever
i gotta hold on
do it for me so I can hold on

i watch so many movies
its one way I find a reflection
I'm giving you my copy of entropy
I found a new one
its the best love story I've ever seen
no holywood bullshit
its true love in all its foolishness
its you and me maybe in another life
so sad

we could make this work
i should't be such a pessimist
we could catch each other
you've got to come see me in cali
you can stay
its going to be my home
but whats a home with out you
whats a home without love
just a box


so much to be said
to so many
to have a life put back in order
to make it make sense to have the love i desire
from the one i desire


so may i think of the consequences to my actions
my failings my short comings
and all the progress made bringing her into a vulnerable state
can be lost
in an instant
and distrust can arise again
in her as well as me

i must find her
she's not at work
she's not at home
shes where


and i walked away so fast
now shes dissppeared

give me a few hours of life to make some art
i want one who shares my vision
the best gift is yourself
i hope that i am not found
yet hope that i am
why must i cloud my head to find my head
i still hear sirens ringing in my ears
and the sounds of a party at its end

a kit
away to
find a body
to control
do you make me clumsy do you make me weak
tuning
frequencies
how do sounds make you feel

it nears the middle of december and the leaves are just beginning to change colors
an the birds sing counterpoint to a free way and street
a missing lover away in new york
and tommorow seems so far
to find my feet
how i became lost in you
forever lost in you
i need you
i love you
the person i know now is so different from the person i saw
a year ago


I'm having a better day today. I really love the cloudy sky and all the rain. I wish it could be like this every day. I'm relieved because i get to go home early today. no rehearsal. It sucked yesterday. I couldn't sing worth a dime, and I had practiced it. I feel so stupid 'cause everyone else has incredible voices and I'm a music major who can't even seem to find the right pitches when she sings. Thank God I only have one solo in the whole show. Anyway, I wish you were in it, but that's just life. So what is this concert that you're talking about? Does it depend on Tim because you only have two tickets? cool. just let me know in time so that I can see if I can go. What do you know about love, Kyle? I know that sounds kind of rude, but I really don't mean it like that. I'm asking you what you know about love that way you can share it with me. I don't think love is just an emotion. In fact, I'm trying to decide if it is even an emotion. Love as a verb. I think that when you love someone, you don't necessarily have to understand them, but you try and you care for that person and recognize his or her needs and try to fulfill those needs to the best of your ability and want to know everything about him or her. You can relate to that person because he\she is able to do things that you can't (say express what you can't express and so on) and most of all you can look past the person's shortcomings and see the beauty that lies within. And after you know this person inside and out and have lived with and put up with this person for years and years caring for him or her through sickness, depression, hatred, and, well, life, and after all this, you still desire to care for this person and stay by his or her side and forget the ugliness and remember the beauty that, Kyle, is true love. Love doesn't occur overnight. Love is a long process that people today don't have the patience to try. It is difficult but I imagine it is rewarding. It is extremely painful especially when it goes unappreciated, but, yet, it is incredible. To be able to do something for the one you deeply care for has to be one of the most satisfying feelings a person could ever have. I still can't describe love as an emotion. Is love the knot in your stomach when that person walks by? Is it the smile that spreads over your mouth when you think of that person? Is it the satisfaction you get when that person notices you? Is it the excruciating pain you get when you think of someone else one day holding and getting to know and comforting that person you so desperately care about? Is it the joy you feel when that person is elated, or the sadness you feel when that person is down? Is it the readiness to forgive and forget? Is it the worry for that persons physical and emotional safety? Is it the desire to be everything that that person wants you to be and more? Is it the desire to be able to depend on that person and have that person depend on you and in so doing, become one? Is it the ability to ignore what the person was and what it could be and just focus and appreciate what that person is? Is it all of this and is there so much more that I haven't even begun to imagine? So why do I say that I love you? Because you mean more to me than any other person I have ever known. Why? Because you open my eyes to different things even without you speaking a word. I feel that I can relate to you even though I don't know exactly why. And all the things I mentioned, are just a little of what i feel for you. Maybe my idea of love emotional and I guess physical is not entirely accurate, but it is something to work with and develop. It's my own ideas. Help me understand it better. I don't even know if anything of what I've said makes sense or if i have just contradicted myself over and over again. I feel like I have. I'm sorry. Tell me what you think. watching tv is a waste of time
but if we are to waste time
we might as well do it together.
I was just letting it dribble out like ooze in ghostbusters II. 
I'm nervous about school What is it going to be like
what jobs am I going to get afterwards and durring
I'm trying to learn how to whore myself out to the industry but am lost and too timid. 
when can we waste some more time together. 
thats what we should do its the best un thinking un acting
I always thought that those were the best moments and the true purpose of females not to sound shovanistic, but you go home from work and relax and watch tv with your girl veg out cuddle up... 
its more relaxing than being alone or with a bunch of guys,
guys are for work
I don't like being unproductive around guys
I've never been good at shooting the shit
I'm always lost in the conversation, drugs make me quit listening,
boredom finds me in innane topics
its a good place to shut out the world and get to work there amidst the uncarring. 
Keeping occupied you can drift in and out make your points enjoy a touch of the culture surroundin you.  I've leared writing what it is you want to speak is useless
if you discovered the secret to life no one would discuss it with you
I always speek too deeply for the modern listener have to much to say.
cna't suffer to be trite its not my way. 
wish I could sometimes to gain a place to be the one leading the conversation. 
one on one the the world is mine in a group I'm shuffled through. explain that to me. 
I would like to think I made a dfference that somthing was exactly the way I directed it. 
How can I change the world when I cant get or keep the dirrection of three in a room? 
the world keeps forcing me behind the scenes and all I want's to be up front. 
that stupid part of me I let out when I have nothing to say whivle I work at things I don't love. 
I'm so stupid some times. I like making an ass of my self,Its fun not to be caged,its fun not to give a shit what they all think. 
when I learn to direct that to transition from cut up into sorrow and back out again to harness my crowd and hold them in my hand and take them to places any place I choose when I live my life like I write it when I say the things i want with no inhibitions.  I've got to cut my inhibitions they cannot be a part of me. Its like I'm living full throttle while riding the brakes. and all I'm doing is fighting myself.... Hey, I got my speech over with. Thank God. It went
pretty good compared to some of the other speeches
that were given today. I'm somewhat satisfied. I also
made a 90 on my history test. Yeah, I'm pretty excited
about that. I still won't get an A in the class but a
B is just fine. My mom is back in town and I'm going
to meet her for lunch today. For some reason she wants
to spend time with me. I don't know. It sounds rather
suspicious to me.

you are the light that fills my darkened little
world. I can't even how it could ever properly
function without you. A dream of my own. I have many
dreams of my own, but I'm too afraid that I'm not good
enough to make them come true. Despite that fear I
can't seem to loose the desire to make them come true.
Oh Kyle, you can't imagine the pain I'm in. I woke up
this morning with a sore throat and it felt like my
sinuses had drained to my left ear. My ear has slowly
begun to hurt all day and now it's getting unbearable.
I should go see if the doctor is still here. I want to
write more but I can't stand the pain. I'm going home.


just go away
don't hide behind apologies
don't say you love me
but cant make this work
you can't just turn me into a friend like that
in the morning the sun rises
and washes night away
a lonely night that lasts to long
at least i still feel
at least i still feel
i wish i didn't want to talk to you
i wish there was some one to replace you
i wish that
every day and thought wasn't you fluttering around in my head
fucked up thing is your more of a distraction away from me than with me
how do i just walk away
how can i just disappear
i don't want to talk to you
I long more than anything to talk to you
fuck you
i hate you
i love you
i want you hidden away there
on that other screen
why do i have all these fake emotions
what is together any way
take your time take your space
its not like your gone
but you are
there are so many things i want to know but don't want to know
so many things to say
and i am all messed up
i don't know how to feel
I feel like you are gone completely of your own choosing


honesty is imperitive to a relationship



I think about you alot.
Some times i want you and don't know why?
Space is nice but can feel so empty?
I see little signs that you are there with me all the time.
some girls smile will remind me of you.
some times i smell your scent when you are no where in sight.
some times it seems like we aren't even together and that you were just a dream.
if you were i wouldn't want to wake?
its funny the way things change right before its time to let them go
you seem closer to people in the autumn of events
funnier yet how fall falls now in the last days of spring
time is speeding up
i feel like I've been a caterpillar
an
the chalenges within are more real than the emergence
if today is all we have
i'm so glad i've had you in my life
thank you for motivating me setting me in motion
with out you I don't know who I would be and that is somthing more than precious to give to someone
I love you
your opinons matter to me. 
don't  be quiet don't sit Idly by and keep your thoughts to yourself. 
Give me your all its what I've asked for all along. 

I just wanted to drop a few lines to tell you how much I love you.
You mean so much to me and I'm overjoyed that you are a part of my life.
I can't imagine what this past year would have been like without you.
When I think of you, I smile and get butterflies in my stomach.
(I don't know how else to discribe it.)
I remember all the good times we've had together
like the night at the pond on 82nd when we started all over with a kiss that I'll remember for the rest of my life
and the time we chilled on the dugout here in Levelland. Then I think of all the good times that we're going to experience,
and I can't help but get excited. I miss you so very much but I love you even more than that.
I'm proud of you and all that you are seeking to acomplish.
You have the courage to make your dreams come true, and that's what I love about you. I love you, I love you, I love you.


Subject: only a moment
Date: Tue, 16 Sep 2003 12:33:48
one free moment to spend alone with you
one moment of heaven in the midst of the chaotic sea moving all around me
one chance to make you feel loved
one chance to show that I care and think about you
only a moment to reflect on what i miss
only a moment before I gather my thougts and return to the real
only a moment thats all I need to inspire me and keep me going
only a moment to feel the tears welling up
only a moment before I push them back inside
but soon...

You put a smile on my face.
Ever since we talked Sunday, I've been happy and smiling.
It just made me feel good to know that things between us really haven't changed.
I love you, baby, and I know that you love me and that's what's so awesome.

i wish you were here.
resting my head on your chest would make everything right.
feeling your arms around me and you soft lips gently kissing my hair
would make every insecurity, every fear, any uncertainty disappear.
i'd give anything to have you here at this very moment.
you mean more to me than you'll ever know.
if i had every moment for the rest of my life to tell you how much you mean to me,
i still wouldn't have enough time. i need you here so bad right now, my love,
but i know i have to wait. soon. i can't make the pain go away...
i miss you so much. you are tho only person that i want to be with, and, yet, you're the only person i can't be with.
isn't life ironic. i love you. there's no doubt about that. there never has been. i love you, i love you, i love you. I'll see you soon.
    Hey, baby!! Welcome to California!! I'm sure that I can welcome you even though I'm not a Cali resident. You understand of course. So how's it going so far? Is it everything you hoped it would be thus far? I hope so. I met Erika today and she seems pretty cool. She talked about her ex-boyfriend a lot. I don't think that there will be any friction between us after all. She seems ok with living upstairs. Jennifer is moving in tomorrow. Soon we'll all be here and starting school, and I can't wait. Wow. I'm listening to "Gladiatior" soundtrack. It's extremely depressing right now. Lauren went to Lamesa with Randall, Easton, Brett, and Gabby to watch a movie at the drive in theater. I thought I'd stay and get to know Erika. I set up IM on Lauren's computer, so we'll be able to talk now. I don't know if you'll have time this week. Wow. I can't believe you're already over there. I'm so excited for you.

I guess I should get online and see what my schedule for Tuesday is going to be. I think I have an 8:00 class. I can't remember. Chad called today and said he got my sandals. I don't know when I'll make it up there to pick 'em up. I might go help paint Amanda's house tomorrow. We'll see. I don't really want to. I just want to sleep forever. I'm sorry that I'm rambling so much. I know you used to want me to, but I don't know if you still do. You like it when people actually have something to say. I know. Well, I guess I'll go now. E-mail me as soon as you get this. Tell me everything. Describe everything with as much detail as possible. I want to know what the people look like, what the air smells like, what the scenery is like. Tell me everything. Talk to you later.
i'm sorry,babe. i don't know why i'm being so difficult. i can't explain it.
yesterday i went to bigham's with amanda and i saw katie. she still works there.
she didn't recognize me of course, but my heart broke when i saw her. i'm sorry.
maybe i shouldn't tell you this and should just deal with it on my own, but i don't know what to do.
I felt so bad all day and...i guess i just wanted to talk to you... but you were busy and i guess i was too. i know that you love me... i know that what you had with her is over, but... i'm selfish. i wanted you all to myself. i'm sitting here holding back the tears because i wanted so much to hate you yesterday. it's so silly. we're not even married and i'm so jealous... what's wrong with me?...there are so many things that i wish i could do to be different than what i am...to make myself better for you. i guess i'm just too selfish because i can't change. i sit here day after day beating myself up that i'm not a better person and that i'm slowly slipping into the mold i despise. i try and try not to but i keep slipping and everyone is noticing. i want to be smarter, prettier, sweeter,  hardworking, patient, talented, successful, and driven...and i try and try and i almost make it, but fall short by a hair and get discouraged and fall back. i hate that about myself. i hate that i'm angry with you for ever sleeping with katie and the other girls. i think i'm more angry with myself than i am with you. i love you so much. you are constantly on my mind. it doesn't matter what i do. i'm sorry that i hate myself so much. i wish i could love myself and God as much as i should so that i can give you the love you deserve, but i'm working on it. i am. i guess those are the things that i really wanted to tell you last night. i just wanted to tell you how i felt. i hate hiding my feelings from you and trying to make you guess what's wrong with me. that's so foolish and i don't want to be like that. i juste want to be honest with you. is that right? i'm so confused and emotional right now. those two things should not be together. gosh, it feels like spring outside and it reminds me of when we used to hang out here last year. those were good times... spring is going to be hard without you. i don't know if i'll be able to make it to ca this semester. i don't think i can afford it. i'm looking, but right now i have $500 dollars to my name and they have to last me the rest of the semester. i have credit a card bill, a  i'll try but i don't know. i wish i could. hey you just got on im. love you.
i wake in the morning to dreams of you
and the fantasy that when my eyes open you will be there by my side
and there with bodies intertwined my dreams will be true
and i will pull you close
pressing hard aganst you
loosening your muscles from the nights sleep
all through your sholders and neck
your back
your arms
your legs
as one we start the day
then go our seperate way
only to rejoin at night
and know the meaning of closeness once more before
you fall asleep in my arms
your legs wrapped around me
as we dance through dreams all through the night
so that I may...(da capo)

if I upset you it was never my intention
it hurts me to think so. 
I just want you to know that you are in my thoughts always. 
every place I go i imagine that you go with me.
You do go with me though you don't experienc it you are in my heart.
Cliche? Maybe. True. absolutely.  
The magic that is you does not disolve with distance.
Time can't wither away at us it allows for our growth its our time to perfect our selves
to sharpen our blades before side by side we go to battle against the world. 
I thought of you all night long i felt bad that you were mad at me.  
I want to talk to you
I'm going to call
just pick up the phone...
Wow! It all sounds amazing. I can't help but feel a tinge of jealousy. Wouldn't you? Every time I look at a clock I think about what time it is over there and what you might be doing. When my day is half way through, yours is barely beginning. It's kinda wierd when you think of that. I don't know. It's odd how it hasn't even been a week since you left, and I already miss you so much. You know we've gone longer than this without seeing each other. I guess it's just knowing that you're so far away that gets me. But I know it will pass, and we'll get used to it. I ate breakfast with my dad this morning, and he said that what you do know will determine what you will be like, say, ten years from now. It's true. Oh, Kyle, you sound a little disheartened and it makes me feel bad. I love you, baby. I do. Don't get discouraged with us now. If we can suvive the first month, then we'll be good. You know that you can call me any time regardless of the hour. If I'm asleep, I'll wake up. I don't mind. I'll do whatever I can to make this work.
School is going to be insane this semester. I went ahead and stayed in jazz band and signed up for jazz improvisation. That gives me twenty-one hours. On Wednesday, I have five classes back to back with the exception of a one hour break for lunch. It's gonna kill me and I'm glad. I'm going to be living, breathing, and dreaming music. I think that both Bruce and Linda have recognized my desire to learn and want to help me in whatever way they can. Mr. Johnson talked to Linda and told my situtation. She's glad to have me in the class. I'm the only girl besides her. It pisses me off how people of my sex think that the only thing they can do is sing, therefore they don't take classes like that. I'm so excited. Mr. Johnson thinks our class is really smart and that we'll go fast, so next semester we'll be we might go into more contemporary music. I can't wait. I'm ready to learn. I'm ready to grow. I'm ready to get the hell out of here. Ms. Rhyne is going to have me playing piano at Tech for different teacher's classes.
It's going to be tough. I can't wait to push myself to the limit.
I'm going to push myself to the brink of insanity. When I get there, I'm going to build a bridge to unite sanity and insanity and create glory. You'll see. When students fifty years from now sit down in their theory classes my name is going to be mentioned in their books along with the musicians who contributed most to the science and art of music. I still have so much to learn, but if it takes me a hundred years to learn then bring it on. I'm gonna learn as much as I can in however many years I live. You see, Kyle. My dreams are already taking shape. I can already see the good that is coming from your going to CalArts. You've inspired me to reach my full potential and to go as far as is humanly possible for me and then to push farther. I'm now learning why I truly love you and why I never want to lose you. You're the only person that I have ever met who feel the same way I felt. I had given up on all of it, but when I met you, you brought back my drive, and I love you for it. hey whats going on? I'm in the library reading this book for class about early electronic music.  I was taking a break and thought I would just write and say hi.  things are busy around here. most days I only have like one class a day and the rest of the time I have to budget my time with home work and practice and studio.  I still haven't set mine up in my room but I have been working a lot on max/msp programming its so awsome you can do anything, anything! 
the party follows every where I go I thought here I would get away from it but its life i have determined.  I have learned its my job to be un moved by it to be like a rock in the middle of a river.  some people here are so talented but I keep saying I'm going to catch up from behind. they say its not a race.  I guess thats true I have learned so muchand its just getting started. It was hard for awhile, I stumbled, God picked me up , and I stumbled again, and god picked me up and I stumbled again and god said i'm not helping you anymore if you don't help yourself.  I stay in the practice \rooms till at least two every morning.  or I go find a place alone to play guitar, I draw a bunch its what I do while I wait.  I miss you but can't admit it and try not to think about it.  I just do what I have to do and live one day at a time.  I'm going toi \talk to miriam tommorow about getting another class.  my voice audition sucked but it wasn't important they just wanted to here my voice. I didn't have a song so I sang happy birthday.  The guy instructer looked at me badly I just smile and pretended I was the shit, Which I am!!!!  lots of work its hard to stay motivated especially over by the housing, but there are so many escapes I spend a lot of time with god or alone organizing my thoughts relaxing avoiding the party.  people always ask where I've been. I tell them I'm getting a little taste of heaven.  well back to work i have to finish this chapter in the nex ten minutes so that I can get some thing to eat just a quick snack. I can't take the book with me or I would.  I cant wait to show you some of this new music.its great love always,  kyle She says Hey, baby. What's up? Wow. It's been a crazy two weeks. Every day seems like a million years. I wake up at 7:oo every morning and by 3:00 I'm exhausted and thinking, oh my, it's only 3:00. Today, after my piano lesson, I was so exhausted that I couldn't practice, so, I came home and crashed. I was so tired that I nearly threw up. You know, I'm working my bum off at the piano. I practice every spare minute I have. I'm never home because I'm practicing for something. Even on Sunday, I'm there calling the teachers asking them to open the Fine Arts building for me so I can practice. I get to the building an hour before class starts so I can practice. Well, today Mrs. Rhyne tells me that she thinks it would be nice if I came to practice at 7:00 in the morning when Bruce gets there. I didn't know what to do. I was like, hello, I practice every spare moment I have. Of course, I didn't say that. I just told her that I try to come early every morning, but it didn't seem to do anything to her. She told Lauren that she's trying to discourage me from going to North Texas and that she would really like for me to go to Tech. I"m at a loss at what to do. I don't know where to go or what to do or anything. She's going to drive me crazy. I was talking to some of the music majors yesterday, and I was like, do y'all ever feel guilty when you pass one of the teachers in the hallway because you're not practicing? They all said no. I'm crazy, Kyle. What's wrong with me? I'm the only one like that. The show is coming along ok if you wanted to know. We've blocked the first act and it doesn't look so bad. I don't know. Anyway, Kory is back. I was somewhat surprised. He said his grandma's health isn't doing so well. I feel bad for him. That's gotta suck..... Baby, I miss you. I'm trying real hard not to say it, but I can't help it. I think about you all the time. Sometimes it hits me really bad when I'm practicing and I just start playing harder and harder. It's kinda hard to see what your doing through your tears though. I wonder if you think of me nearly as much as I think of you. I for some reason thought that you'd stay in touch just a little more at least at first. I know you want to phase out so I thought you'd do that. I know you're busy meeting people and what not and now you'll be even busier with school, it's just that...I don't know. I'd like to know what's going on. I'd like to tell you what's going on too. I thought you'd have lots of things to tell me. I'm sorry. I know you don't want me to be like this. I'm really sorry. I don't know what else to say. I've always tried to be honest and open with you as much as I can. Please don't get upset. I'm trying really hard to be patient. I love you. You're my best friend. I feel that I can tell you anything, and I just wish I could know that you're willing to listen. I just need to be reassured. Remeber what I told you about girls? I'm sorry. I don't think that I'm angry for no reason. In fact, I'm not even really angry. I just never know how to react when you say that it's probably better for us not to be together because if we were we probably wouldn't get anything done. Well, what about when we are? If we ever live in the same city or state again, are you going to keep this attitude? Because if you are then i don't want to keep us up. I just hate it when you say that. What am I supposed to think? I mean you probably are right, but do you have to say it all the time? It makes me feel bad. It's like I'm just a movie playing in the background or...I don't know... never mind. Forget it. if i don't miss you why do i hate the world so much, when I'm by your side i never feel this heavy.  you are my sanity.  and i keep comming back to that be angry if you want I think about you all day long. The other night i had a dream that we were sitting around just watching tv and just haging out. It was so real. I drempt that I leaned over to hug you and i woke up and was leaning over to hug my pillow. I miss you so much. It hit me hard today. I say Jeremy and Heather flirting with each other and then saw michal and kristen, and I got lonely. I love you. I've gotta go now, but i'll talk to you tonight. please answer your phone. Hugs and Kisses. Hey! How are thing going down there, babe? Sorry that I didn't get to watch that thing last night. Did you enjoy it? Well, I was just thinking of you so I thought I'd send you an e-mail since your voicemail box is full. My arthritis was acting up this afternoon so I came home and laid down for a while. I thinking about and how much better i'd feel if you were here with me holding me and keeping me warm. These past few nights I've been getting extremely lonely and really really miss you. It's horrible. I try so hard not to think about it but... Even when I'm with all of my friends it hits me and I feel terrible. I'd much rather be part of your world in LA or anywhere for that matter. I don't care. As long as I can be with you. I keep getting these feelings of impending doom. Almost like something bad is going to happen. Maybe it's nothing, but I still keep worrying. I don't understand it. I walk around paraniod afraid that something terrible is going to happen. There's this sinking feeling in my chest 24 hours a day. I got it really bad last night I guess around nine-thirty or so and it hasn't gone away or subdued any. I don't know. Are you ok? Is everything going alright? I wish I could see you for Valentine's Day. That would be the best Valentine's Day ever. I love you, babe. I miss you. I want to talk to you and spend time with you. I know you're busy and so am I, but couldn't we just...I don't know. I want so much to be with you. Dustin is here right now with Jennifer. It really kills me to see and hear them together. I can't help but think of you. The other day Jessica was asking me if I thougt that every person only had one soulmate. I don't think so. I can't really back it up though. I just don't think so. I think maybe some people only have one and others have more than one. It could be that way. What do you think? I'm not trying to trap you or anything; I'm just asking a simple question. Anyway, it's almost four o'clock and I still need to practice. I love you. i'm inconsolable right now. i don't know what to do. i love you so much and yet you just push me away and it kills me. maybe our relationship isn't worth the heartache, but i'm willing to keep going. i know i didn't want to end it last year when we found out you were leaving and you did but you kept it going for my sake. But last semester i wanted to end it and you didn't. you told me to hold on. now you want to end it again and i don't. the last time we had this conversation i nearly went insane. i had a panic attack. your phone died and you said we'd talk about it later. i cried the rest of the night and had such a bad pain in my stomach i threw up several times. the next morning i was a click away from buying an airplane ticket to burbank so that i could talk persuade you to change your mind or else at least allow you to give me the respect i feel i deserve by breaking up with me to my face. i couldn't understand. everything went so well over winter break that i didn't know what went wrong. jennifer talked me into waiting... it was the worst experience in my life. i was a mess the whole next day and for about a week after that. i didn't know what to do. you said some very hurtful things to me that night just like tonight. what am i supposed to do? i know that if i love you then i won't force you to stay in this type of relationship if you don't want it and yet, if i love you as much as i say i do, wouldn't i fight tooth and nail to make this work? to keep you? i know you don't know if you want to get married. i didn't used to either, but then i met you and i knew that if you asked there would be no hesitation. i knew that i could spend the rest of my life loving you... ...i just don't know what to do. i fear that if we break up you won't hurt nearly as badly as i will. you will just shrug and move on to another girl or girls and it breaks my heart to think of you making love to them or doing any such thing. we talked about it once a long time ago when we first got together, remember? there's just so much i've invested into this and so much that i've given to you that i just can't let go. i don't want to. i don't even have the smallest desire to. i know that causes a problem but i can't help the way i feel. i'm sorry if i feel like a burden. that's the last thing that i intended to be during all of this. i wanted to be your escape. the place you go to when you're ready for a break. that's what you've been for me. you've been the main thing that has kept me going through school the past year. when i talk to you it's not a deadening thing for me. it's just so meaningful to me. i don't know how it evolved into this. you used to call me all the time and e-mail and just keep in touch. before you left this year you said you'd call every night at 9:00 my time. you didn't. not once. i really thought things would be better this semester because they were so good when you left. but...i don't get it. have you met someone else? did you cheat on me? please tell me because i'm confused. ever since you went out that night on tabitha's birthday, things just haven't been the same. i don't know. i've given as much as you have to this and i'm "juggling" you just as much as you are me, but i need closure. the only way i think that i'll get that is if you're here talking to me to my face. it's just what i need. I have not and will not cheat on you. I love you I really do. But here is a new life, its another world. If we break up its not so that i can get with another girl. Its because the longer we go the more it hurts. I don't want to see you date as much as you don't want to think of me doing the same. I don't know if we are the marrying kind of right for each other. I have known all along thats how you felt and it kills me because i felt the same way once and when the rug got pulled out from under my feet it hurt alot. and it makes you say well there is no such thing as love and do a lot of things you regret. I do love you because i loved you i never should have got involved with you the way i did. I'm happy to have you in my life. I'm happy to be part of your's. you want us to endure I some times wish that you would break up with me so that you wouldn't hurt. Can i hold on for your sake even though its not what i need now. Its the distance its our lives i want you to make descisions based on you not on us i want you to see that you can go anywhere you want you can try anything. but not for me I have trouble controlling my own life here and i can't live your life with you there. I'm coming home so soon and it changes there. I don't know if it should. I don't want you to cry. i don't want you to hurt. If we go our ways we should both know why we should both think its better. What we had is what holds us what we have is what makes us want to let go. The only thing we give up is sex and and time that we don't spend talking but rather listning to dead air on a phone. There is still friendship here. we will never be the same. what we have done will always be there. I don't know Abby help me. why are you hanging on. its so easy now to let go. I'm not breaking up with you. I agree, you deserve more than that. with out you i am going to be lonely this summer will be the lonliest ever. and though we will be close we will be farther than ever. Our relation ship for the past year has been over these lines through electricity. it takes the feeling away. when i say this its not to you crying its to a you I envision nodding and agreeing with me thinking with you brain and not your heart. you are so special you are like a bird and i've got you in my cage so that i can look at you and do whatever i please with you. and its not right. you are my most beautiful lover and I don't want to let go. I don't want to give that up. But its like leading a double life. And i can't say that i wouldn't even look at another girl because i do. and though some may have your characteristics its not you that I think of when i look. what is the freedom I desire? I think its not to be responsible for your heart. its not fair to you or to me. you can stand on your own. thats what i have been trying to teach you. You have your own friends they are as much mine as mine are yours. I don't want emotion to play its role I know hats tright considering that is all that is concerned. I owe you more i have taken too much i can never give back you invest so much in me and now its like you are still pouring money in and i'm not trying at all. I don't want to hold on and that hurts me my unwillingness to invest an effort. I don't want you to motivate me to stay. Do you really feel like its worth while. do you really feel that i am the pinnicle of your lifes acheivement. I love the past and the beauty is taht that doesn't go away it stays. that picture of us in the airport at the end of christmasthats how i see you thats how i love you thats what i have to give up. No one is as pretty as you, no one smles like you, no one else in my life has loved me no matter what despite my flaws. But to me you aren't there anymore not even if i call you not even in pictures, I've collected so much that I've turned you into a character into an illusion and you are there and you feel but i cant see or feel it with you my life here is because of you you helped me make it here and i just left you behind. cause I'm an asshole because the type of love you have for me is not the type i have for you and I am trying to make it so that I am not the one who makes you realize the kind of love i feel for you. I don't want you to be afraid to love again. i want you to always be happy when you think of me. I want you call me and confide in me. i really don't know what i want. sometimes i feel foolish sometimes i think its a sin to let you go sometimes i see your picture and remember the girl i had i don't mind the freedom of not having to call i miss the person on the other end i miss knowing that i have the prototype of dreams i wonder if i am right i hope i am how have you been are you happy is it better does it hurt i do in a weird way but don't know what to do i made my first animations this week finals are about to start i can't get stressed its not that i don't care its that i cant feel i can't compute life any more this place has gotten to me i need to be away from it for a while this is my life                 SMOTHERED SHAPE This place sucks. How did I end up here.  No surprise really.  That's my luck. Day in, day out, I end up in the same situation as the day before.  Others would scream "change it," but I feel drawn into its pores. I am looking up, but I see no escape. Even if I did see it, would I be suddenly blinded by the shape? How do I get there? Faith and determination is not the what holds me back.  It's more simple th If I had these simple things, my bags would be packed. The setting unknown and the timing non-existent.  Just to set sail to a place in my dreams that has been "long-went." My imagination would be my compass that shows the way. Along that way, I would find a peaceful patch of grass under a tree somewhere to lay. For those few moments of simple pleasure, in the end, I would end up suffering-I know.  But would it be my motivation to get to my destination faster or enjoy the way and go slow? I would soon be ruled by fate.  Tempting my every move in order to survive at any rate. Where I am smothers me.  Where I will end up will to.  The only freedom is along the way. The shape...Someday, I shall see.            Anna Marie butterfly Love can make you happy but often it hurts , but love's only special when you give it to someone who is really worth it. So take your time and choose the best. not to become somebody else's "perfect person."
but to find someone who helps you become the best person you can be.

Never say "I love you" if you don't care. Never talk about feelings if they aren't there. Never touch a life if you mean to break a heart. Never look in the eye when all you do is lie.
> >4.To My Friends Who Are............MARRIED
> >Love is not about "it's your fault", but "I'm sorry." Not "where are you", but "I'm right here." Not "how could you", but "I understand." Not "I wish you were", but "I'm thankful you are."
> >5.To My Friends Who Are............ENGAGED
> >The true measure of compatibility is not the years spent together but how good you are for each other.
> >6.To My Friends Who Are............HEARTBROKEN
> >Heartbreaks last as long as you want and cut as deep as you allow them to go. The challenge is not how to survive heartbreaks but to learn from them.
> >7.To My Friends Who Are............NAIVE
> >How to be in love: Fall but don't
> >8.To My Friends Who Are............POSSESSIVE
> >It breaks your heart to see the one you love happy with someone else but its more painful to know that the one you love is unhappy with you.
> >9.To My Friends Who Are............AFRAID TO CONFESS
> >Love hurts when you break up with someone. It hurts even more when someone breaks up with you. But love hurts the most when the person you love has no idea how you feel.
> >10.To My Friends Who Are............STILL HOLDING ON
> >A sad thing about life is when you meet someone and fall in love, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and that you have wasted years on someon

"I'm tired of fighting and struggling. It seems each problem is replaced by another.” Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs and the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil without saying a word. In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners.She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the  eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me,what you see." "Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied. She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrotslained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity--boiling water--but each reacted differently.The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water they had changed the water.ut on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart? Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their w           

Darling,
living with you as a man and a wife
playing house like children
so what is it that i get from you that i cherish
maybe its you helping me to grow up
and find myself
i want to know you
all my life
to have the things that i desire from all that i love

yet in you i confront my confusion of love
and sex and god
and life

i would like to boldly
state that our first experience is family
our introduction
to relationship
our connection and first feeding off of another

jesus said for this a man will leave his mother and father
and be joined to her

so is it that you are there
is it that i can count on you reguardless

I think thats the essence of why i love you
you become much more beautiful the longer that i know you


could i put all my prejudice aside
and learn to love you
i want you as part of my world
there is a part of you that we
need in our world

why is she always there tormenting me god
i can't handle the way she is always there
i am going to hide from her i don't want her to see me any more
i don't want to wonder where she is
she is but a dream to me
am i evil as
I stare at beauty
in lust

to have life back in order
to have god make sense
to have the love i desire
from the one i desire

so may i think of the consequences to
my actions
my failings
my short comings
and all the progress made bringing her to a vulnerable state
can be lost
in an instant
and distrust can arise again
in her as well as me

i must find her
she's not at work
she's not at home
where is she...

i walked away so fast
and now shes dissppeared

give me a few hours to make some art

my love i miss you
how i wish you
were lying in that bed


you are the ideal asparas
with your black hair
your perfect figure
a goddess
the joy of my eyes

taking the time to get through
and listening to my mind
of all of these that i love
of all the beauty which dances before my eyes
its your soul that I long for

its you who is always there
its you who is stead fast
its you my pure love

i could never feel dirty with you
my angel

for you I wait
for you I ache
though time passes by
and miles between don't mean a thing
because you are the same
as you have always been

captivated mesmerized hypnotized

and even though you know i love you
and i know that you love me
i see no sacred place where we
could hide away and always be free
i don't know if you
have a place to shine
all along
all this time that I've watched you
and all the times
all the times that you draw near
there is
there isn't much to to say to you and make you know the way your movements torture me with pleasure you will never understand
locked inside this cosmic dance
UNICORN

Song of Solomon: chapter 2 7 I say to you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the roes of the field, do not let love be moved till it is ready. 8 The voice of my loved one! See, he comes dancing on the mountains, stepping quickly on the hills. 9 My loved one is like a roe; see, he is on the other side of our wall, he is looking in at the windows, letting himself be seen through the spaces. 10 My loved one said to me, Get up, my love, my fair one, and come away. 11 For, see, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone; 12 The flowers are come on the earth; the time of cutting the vines is come, and the voice of the dove is sounding in our land; for you I did this

there was you walking backward into my life
we crossed and faced
something i didn't plan on
dancing in my head
dancing in my head
what are you doing in my head
interupting thoughts
strange a person could steal your focus
so here is the thing
i wrote this song for one girl
another liked it
as i developed it
it started drifting
it relates to the dance
it relates to our dance

can i spend
just one more hour here
i can't pull myself away
but why
but why
i want to pick you up
swing you around
make you move
and move with you
an attraction
so hard to explain
desiring closeness

i love the dance
the closeness
the way it feels

and miss it when its not there

obsessing again
but not about her
what are you doing to me

get out of my head
don't need this now
its driving me mad

so far away and yet so close
said before
in the opposite way
don't seem anxious
to be close
held my phone for the longest time
debating to call
or to put it into our song
i don't know how though
lost on where to go
meanings evade

our dance
my life
in all these ways
one
intrigue
desire to be part of your world
me loving a machine
dealing with relationships
but
then
on top
you place you

i can't believe you chose that song
since you did it has been like a snowball
just waiting to manifest

complications made her go away
but there are still dancers in my head
trading one for three
and three for two

i finally confront her
tell her she was the unicorn
the obsession
and placed a face on letters sent anonimously

ramblings
thoughts of her dancing in my head
just there
tormenting
something i couldn't have
still defining have

i don't think she understood
she said she had a boyfriend
I said it didn't matter
if i was to attain the unicorn
it wouldn't be a unicorn

we talked for hours
i wanted out of the conversation
didn't know what to say
never did
still don't
just kind of needed a reason
there is really no connection
small talk is hard
i can't do it
especially when it seems obigatory
like asking somebody if you can be their friend
friends are something you fall into
they just kind of end up in your path
sometimes life must do the talking
only so much can be said in words
its the things said without
that connect

my girlfriends through the whole thing
i could confide in them
i could get advice from them

the love of my life
but time, distance and lack of communication hinder more
she is rhada to me
if i am within a hundred miles of her i have to be with her
but ouside a thousand miles I do so well alone...

we talked a lot up until valentines
now shes too busy
i'm really busy too
i guess i can't say anything

my homie
i make her mad cause there was this whole her liking me thing
and we talked it out and we are friends but sometimes she drops heavy shit on me
and i can't really figure out where she is going with it or why she does it
and to me shes super but i really don't want to "hook up" or anything
she really seems kindof like an older sister to me but i never really had a sister that i was that close to...
my sister was in such a different world and just kind kindof had her own seperate world with seperate people.

oh did i ever tell you i never had friends who were girls
aquaintances
lovers
of course
but never friends

funny
i hear the monologue coming out when i type
my thoughts just flow this way
i guess because they don't get interupted
then i can clarify them

i write like i wish i could talk
completely honest
not holding anything back
my first relation ship was letters handed off between classes

digressing...

i could profess my love in letters
that was a really weird story
i got on this kick after reading about troubadores and chivilrous love

digressing...

always in this process of redefining love
narrowing it down
trying to be more and more like jesus
that kind of love
not getting hung up on the sexuality of things
but when dealing with girls thats always where the mind naturally tends to wonder
and yet there are so many different levels of intimacy
always looking
for a glorified fall into love
i want to love all of them
i want them all to love me
but in truth
i only want one
but don't yet know who the one is
and its not the right time

____________________________________________________

so I could pretend i don't care
why do i wanna stick around when i don't want to talk
why linger on for these hours and hours
what is it about you that hooks me
is it that you give me attention
others do
but you make me fight through it
i can ignore

if my angel could see me
she would hate me
i have placed a different standard for her than myself
you have snared me in seduction
my awareness of this
should allow me to walk away
my intrest in you is not based on exquisit beauty inside or out
why am i in this
why would i give up somthing that mattered so much
why is she not here to protect me
where is my angel
why does she not have time for me
why do i not have time for her
i can place no blame on her
all my actions i have done on my own
half truths now i share
hidden secrets
now my tormentor
they now stand as a barrier between me and love
but it makes so much sense
we should all be free
no possesion of others
love is not adultery
love is shared between all
love is a connection of souls
adultery is a connection of lust
not to be held as bad
i cant have this monogamy
i need the freedom

she was my dark side
i was trying to love the devil that is this world
but how can one love the devil
they restrict you pull you back
hold you down keep you from your work
god help me pull my life back together
help me stich it up
help me
hold me
protect me from the darkness and temptation
give me an escape
your reply was Isaiah 43:1

What are the questions I'm supposed to ask to make you share your love and pain to get you to unload  

Sometimes you stare off into space leaving me to wonder what you’re thinking if you're saving it for when we’re miles away then you touch me and open me up to a world without words and all but you fades away I wish I was an artist to paint two puzzles pieces one you and the other me they fit so well they were carved form one sometimes I see the saddness in you I want to kiss it all away and replace it with joy reassure you its not the end and erase your tears Paint two puzzle pieces One is her the other is me Together its us on that first night we fell in love And she keeps me and I keep her Just the way I would always want to remember her   I miss her so much Its funny the way you began to feel her when its gone When she's so far away and it seems so much easier to hurt than to be happy knowing shards of my broken heart cut like picking up glass and yet you remain trying to put me back together   after all this time I find the right one still I'm afraid still running away and I have to go asking would it hold me down I couldn't imagine you with anyone else Doing the things you do with me If I break your heart what will I, what could I give to to make you not hurt will I teach to seek the adventure in life though this last trip this last adventure
I will set them all free of the bonds they share
I will show them excitement and danger and a life on the edge or no life at all she's my Ideal love she’s my Dagney as I become d'Anconio I will teach her to keep up or be left behind have I robbed you have i only offered you pain I have broken the perfection of you I took the flower and now I am afraid that it will whither with out me why did i ever take it out of the ground because it made me happy at what expense to watch somthing I love destroyed and the cost to you that I can only see now I fucked up I fucked up I was wrong if you become one of them Its my fault I am the one to blame I was the one that showed you all the sin all the dark in the world all the things that will hold you back I gave you all the things I brought them before you and laid them out like a buffet at

i could see my flaw not going along with the visions I was given
like I would shake them out before i could see the whole thing
I do the same with you though I still have somuch more to learn from you
and I will and we will hold on

that we could continue this as if there were no end
as if we weren’t winding toward the end of our journey
I want you to take this path with me this journey
to share our down time
you make me feel alive
you give me something to look forward to each morning
I can
waking in the middle of the night to record the flights of extacy
last night after you left I laid in bed awake in bed for the longest time
trying to talk to god and swirling musical visions in my head

its sad music that I hear now
but wait could we turn it all around
the relationship is about to begin
the relationship we should have had but couldn't
while we were so mistaken
while I gave you the wrong Idea of love
while I showed you our animal side
and though it is beautiful it withers without the other love
which we are about to form
which we will create
which only we could share because out of the fog the was clarity and it was you
and only you could run this race by my side but you need strength and endurance
and I can only coach you
I cannot run this race dragging you
but I want you to keep up because only you can
if you give your all and never look back
onward we will go and forever we
i must give you the strength to be great

love is a hard thing to define
there is a world out there all fighting for their chance to define it for you
but I see it when I look into your eyes
when I see the softness of your face
your quiet scared manerisms
I see you and thats all it takes for me to know what love is and isn't
I won’t follow their definitions
I want to make our own

its scarry to think what this will be like
you so far away
what will become of us
I'm not seeking anyone to take your place
but how can we share our lives
I wanted to talk to you
i felt so alone to nigh
I wanted to hold you in my arms
there is so much here
I feel closer to god than I ever have its like my steps are each planned
and for once I am exactly where I am meant to be
and Its ovewelmingly beautiful
I can't even describe
its hard to explain how amazing it is
its an artists utopia
completly open
the inspirational setting
there is so much life you cannot fit it into a day at a time
I wake with the sun and don’t com in until its 3 in the morning
and we the collective discuss our dreams
they are just like me
so many with an idea just trying to make it a reality
if only you could see
as an insider
its almost like heaven
almost

its like a flower opening up
I am amazed and it hasen’t even started
just to live in a society of people like this
each looking to rise to the fullest of their potential
so crammed with talent
its overflowing
its all so much to take
don’t forget me when its hard to talk
I know it will be
I see it now
just know no one here is taking your place
rise to your highest there
and know that together we could not do it
but we will meet on the other side
and in moments between short and precious moments
know that I am not forgetting you
I give you my nights when I close my eyes
and pray that you can feel me

somehow
and that will feed you
drive you harder
know that I am here when things get hard
know that you will never lose me
but my metamorphisis has allready begun
you have my love but i must concentrate
your picture scrolls though my desk
reminds me of you
I can't be with you every moment buit you are here with me inside
don't hurt
don't cry
ever
fight
rise
and grow like you never have before
blow them all away
turn Spc upside down
have them calling for you from every school you have looked at
go with your teachers allow them to shape you
the same as your schedualing problems I am having
just use your spare time to grow outside of your major
every moment
do your theater
practice jazz with cds
you should never have to stop except when you can go no further
thats the time you reserve just for me and i for you
and we will refressh ourselves in each others triumphs
love always

shame to say
you are a toy to me
that's how I see you
I do not find you beautiful
but rather an annoying noise maker
it was like figuring out a three year olds puzzle to understand you
doubtful I could ever feel affection towards you
I use you
bringing only guilt
never the love I seek
just another one night stand
I become an embarrassment to myself
to have you near
to pretend you were something more-
someone that made me feel

to be perfect she must be everything and more
intelligent, beautiful, playful and unique
she must challenge me
open new doors in me she must not be easy to attain
she must love me in her every breath
and I - her
we
she will open new doors in me I didn’t know needed to be opened
she will cause me to reach inside myself
find my ugliness my lies my pathetic self image
and cast it aside

because of her but for myself
I will become the best that I can be
I sometimes see her as an angel in the oddest place
a diamond in the rough
she is innocent
but not naive
And I would not
Could not ever hurt her
for she is far to precious
she will not be mine nor I hers
we will be one
a longing for her presence will be with me always
I see her not as a Goddess nor a puppet
she is her own person
so different from what I imagine her to be
she will find me totally off guard
I know it


she comes closer takes a look smiles and say she’s so insecure
I hold her reassuring that she's as beautiful as life its self
because she’s more than she could ever imagine
my gray sky girl my whole
so perfect and yet so sad
like the rain she always makes me smile
as I wipe her tears away
and say its all ok
such a dreamer
so afraid
always smiling even when she cries
and I’m so glad she’s mine
my gray sky girl
laying down on the couch
a pressed finger to her lips
“don't say a word”
while beckoning me to her side
she’s so cute lying there
so cute in her underwear
and i just stare at her until she says what


young love blossoms
doubts washed away
for this desire
such a smile at moments like this
I look at her beautiful face and can think of nothing else
I want her eyes locked in mine
I love her
she turns me on
makes me feel whole
I want to have deep conversations with her
I said the magic word
its truly begun on this 29th day of july
I have fallen for her
she owns me like I own her
I want to share my life with her
I don't know about marriage
i think she sees that
i am afraid I will break her heart
but she takes me away
i could never hold you close enough
if I love her there can be no sex
love is a controversy with her because I do love her
I don't want to hurt her
but I want her so much
she is beginning to confuse love
and lust i think
i don't know I need to talk to her about this
we've come to far for a happy ending
without marriage
which i am to young to think of now
i want sex not to be a temptation
but we have come into eros
and my soul is confused
she doesn't have the strength to resist
and Don't want to stop it
but through loving her I must

the evolution of love
love never dies
it changes into another
a friend ship
to destroy love would be to destroy god
neither can be done

the four loves according to cs lewis
storge - affection
philia - friendship
eros - sexual love
agape - selfless love

Smile
her beauty intrigues me
her beauty intimidates me
I wish that I knew her and that she could know me
I was amazed the first time my eyes found their way this angelic face
framed in long high lighted hair
her disguised sad eyes
warm sea blue
a small and delicately formed mouth
watching her struggle though a bad night
gave her the appearance of vulnerability
Leaving me wishing for some way to help her
I just want to hold her
and make the world go away
make it fade

in this moment I am home

twice as real as the heavens above
is this love just for now
flow out of myself
with you in my arms
into the stars above
shoot past the moon
beyond the stars
to a galaxy far away
created by love just for you and me

we are
Art in the making
more beautiful than paint,sound, or...
life by the moment
nothing ahead nothing behind
no regrets
no tasks to complete
to remember more vividly
to relive what we had
craving for that feeling i had with her but we were so young then

longing for truth
but it can never be

a country twist a return to the past
laying on top of cotton modules
staring at the diamonds in the sky miles away from any city lights
we laid there in silence holding each other in the night
maybe It couldn’t be any better than the way it was God wrote the story you just have to tell it

Maybe a little young to understand
why it hurt so bad when you weren't there any more
and I couldn't understand why love couldn't endure
as it ended
a part of me died, a piece of me she took
I will always remember her
the first girl I'd ever loved
Its confusing how I miss you

dreams fade from view
my hope lost
broken from the fall
out of your life into the hopelessness of mine
I've crashed I've burned I've lost I've learned
but still I am stuck
in this nightmare
I can’t wake and I do't care
maybe life in all its ways
changes us makes us stray
out of something
into nothing

crawling along the side of the road
that I followed to find you
I'm so lost,
so lost,
I'm so lost,
so lost
but your not here so I've been told

trying to move on

virgin
so much to be said with such a
something I can never be
such a disappointment
such a let down that first time
and yet such a feeling
such a beautiful thing
such a release that grabs you so tight and refuses to let go
while you love it and hate it for ripping you to shreds

down in the basement of your parents house watching saturday night live
you let me inside after so long
gently parting your thighs
to partake of this forbidden fruit
sinfully soft while slowly slipping inside
exploring your body pressed against mine
a perfect breast in one hand
a perfect face framed in gold in the other
a sigh of exhilaration escapes your lips
such a pure moment
So right
So wonderful
so it seemed
a gave you my all
my truest gift
on
only to be ripped apart

some how everything changed that night
all the doubts the questions
enter jealousy the destroyer
to our magical world
as it tears us apart

the next time is better
then better, and better

I thought we were destined to be together forever
that we were written in the stars
I was deceived
will my true love ever forgive me

do you remember the good times
or just the bad
hours spent together
moments we had
thought that we were stronger
that love could endure
things went so so wrong
guess you just weren't sure

said our lives were fitting together
we talked about forever
but mistakes I made
the wrongs I couldn't right
turned us into never
maybe it was that we got so close
maybe you were scared
whatever reasons were
remember what we shared

I always said
I'd always be there
but when you needed me the most
offer up the other end of a phone
but a phone calls not a touch
its never enough
wish i would have been there
wish I could have been there

there was nothing I wouldn't do for you
you know I'd die
if it would make you happy, Understand
to make you never cry
if you were afraid that I could hurt you
like I did before
or think I would do it now
please don't close this door

it seems sometimes that something is wrong
and I can't say a word or understand a simple point
you know all to well

sticks and stones will break my bones
but the words you said just killed me
please say you don't care any more

so close to perfect and so far away
reason beyond control
I try so hard to move
just trust me
sometimes late at night
I lie awake thinking of you
and wish you were here
to make these nights not seem so cold
but I know your not coming back
so I have to move on even though its hard
no one can ever really take your place
you kept my heart
you say you aren't happy anymore
I don't know
I guess it all works out someday down the road

say good night to all the love
and having faith in all that ever was
I'll say good night to your memory
because thats all you left for me
upside down
storybook lies
about life, love, innocence
and other things that don't exist
silly dream in my head are you telling me something or
are you just nothing something I made up a figment of my imagination
a memory or more
could this end so fast
could you walk away
could you
if I asked you would you stay

some one spoke
I wonder if they knew my name
before another whispered it in their ear
tell me something I don't know
should I smile should I cry now that the world has been turned upside down I cant wait to see you again because of the thing i feel when your there and I miss it all day long until the night but when it rolls around i know I’m all right you make me feel like I never felt with her like a sunrise every morning forthe rest of my life and I can’t wait till night to see you cause I want you with me right now too you broke me
you made life right for a time
so perfect and then it fell apart
I fell from my high
became your fallen angel
I cannot love, trust or believe anymore
you took what set me apart
made me a user
darkened my soul
yet I can't hate you

you and me keep playing friends
time passes
finding some one new
Ive got someone better now and I can move on

Do you see her there smiling?
Her eyes wonder from face to face
with a scared but beautiful look in her eyes.
I fall in love with her words and her story.
The way she moves, dancing in the silvery glow of the spotlight, hypnotizes me.

one more ripple the girl seen from far away i could watch forever
but she's gone
just like a phantom never seen
only an illusion
but you know she was there
they are all in our quest for love
wounded bleeding wanting needing
I watched you watch me
long for you to long for me
then there you are
with eyes like stars
and I stare at you standing there

I want you
I want to love you
I need you
I need to love you
say you want me
say you need me too

saw you smilling
saw you trying
I'll have you have me
I'll give you everything
an out streched hand
and i kiss your ruby lips
a toast to the one I want and need

I saw you alone with your smile
smile for a while


its funny the way I'm afraid to speak
each time that she comes down
but happy for another chance to see her
I wish she would talk to me
I wonder if she wishes the same thing from me
if I had one more chance what would I say
to try and make her stay
or run away and spend a night with me
she looks
i look away send signals that I'm not interested
maybe I should intimidate and stare like my heart says I should
hold in my gaze and if she desires - in my arms
what would I give to live this fantasy
to have her in my arms
or maybe just to know her
maybe its to late

why can't I act cool
why can't I be me

its always like this
stupid timid me
i want to see her again why do I pretend I don't
writing love letters to a ghost
wondering what the hero in me would have done
would have said

we are checking out

that sucks

why
because I've only seen you a few times



(he picks up a flower walks over to her)
I was just showing this flower how beautiful you are.

if beauty was a drop of water you would be the ocean

the stars were stolen from the sky to make your eyes

I love you.
That's all there is to it.
I can't make it any more simple.
My love for you is so strong.
I just want you to know that. I know I tell you all the time, but I can't help it.
When you love someone you want to make sure they know it.
I know you shouldn't just express it with words there should be actions too.
I think that I try to do both.
I just want you to know.
I love you.
That's all there is to it...
god is the best investment you can make
write it down on a peice of paper and watch it come to be

i could feel my actions
my sins manifesting in the physical world my body became more fatigued it was hard to stay awake
my muscles loosened my skin became oily
the all of me began to wither mind and body interwined
the foolish pretend they don't notice
this is how it goes now
listen and youll be found
getting down to the sound
as bodies bounce all around
were just throwin flows down
something about a vowel
its scarry to think what this will be like
you so far away
what will become of us
I'm not seeking anyone to take your place
but how can we share our lives
I wanted to talk to you
i felt so alone to night
I wanted to hold you in my arms
there is so much here
I feel closer to god than I ever have its like my steps are each planned
and for once I am exactly where I am meant to be
and Its ovewelmingly beautiful
I can't even describe
its hard to explain how amazing it is
its an artists utopia
completly open
the inspirational setting
there is so much life you cannot fit it into a day at a time
I wake with the sun and don't come in until its 3 in the morning
and we the collective discuss our dreams
they are just like me
so many with an idea just trying to make it a reality
if only you could see it
as an insider
its almost like heaven
almost
its like a flower opening up
I am amazed and it hasen't even started
just to live in a society of people like this
each looking to rise to the fullest of their potential
so crammed with talent
its overflowing
its all so much to take
don't forget me when its hard to talk
I know itwill be
I see it now
just know no one here is taking your place
rise to your highest there
and know that together we could not do it
but we will meet on the other side
and in moments between short and precious moments
know that I am not forgetting you
I give you my nights when I close my eyes
and pray that you can feel me
somehow
and that will feed you
drive you harder
know that I am here when things get hard
know that you will never lose me
but my metamorphisis has allready begun
you have my love but i must concentrate
your picture scrolls though my desktop daily
reminds me of you
I can't be with you every moment
but you are here with me inside
don't hurt
don't cry
ever
fight
rise
and grow like you never have before
blow them all away
turn Spc upside down
have them calling for you from every school you have looked at
go with your teachers allow them to shape you
the same as your schedualing problems I am having
just use your spare time to grow outside of your major
every moment
do your theater
practice jazz with cds
you should never have to stop except when you can go no further
thats the time you reserve just for me
andifor you
and we will refressh ourselves in each others triumphs
slow motion
watch the world go by my window
and think of you
and the weight of things said
this promise to you
takes so much
means so much
What are the questions I'm supposed to ask
to make you share your love and pain
to get you to unload

Paint two puzzle pieces
One is her the other is me
Together its us on that first night we fell in love
And she keeps me and I keep her
Just the way I would always want to remember her

I miss her so much
Its funny the way you began to feel her when its gone
When she's so far away
and it seems so much easier to hurt than to be happy
knowing shards of my broken heart
cut like picking up glass
and yet you remain
trying to put me back together

after all this time I find the right one
still I'm afraid
still running away
and I have to go
asking would it hold me down
I couldn't imagine you with anyone else
Doing the things you do with me

If I break your heart
what will I give to make the scar worthwhile
to make you not hurt
will I teach to seek the adventure in life though this last trip this last adventure
I will set them all free of the bonds they share
I will show them excitement and danger and a life on the edge or no life at all
my Ideal love
she's my Dagney as I become d'Anconio
I will teach her to keep up or be left behind
have I robbed you
have i only offered you pain
I have broken the perfection of you
the flower taken I am afraid will whither with out me
why did i ever take it out of the ground
because it made me happy at what expense
to watch somthing I love destroyed
and the cost to you
that I can only see now I fucked up I fucked up
I was wrong
if you become one of them Its my fault
I am the one to blame
I was the one that showed you all the sin all the dark in the world
all the things that will hold you back
I gave you all the things
I brought them before you and laid them out like a buffet at your feet

i could see my flaw not going along with the visions I was given
like I would shake them out before i could see the whole thing
I do the same with you though I still have somuch more to learn from you
and I will and we will hold on

that we could continue this as if there were no end
as if we weren’t winding toward the end of our journey
I want you to take this path with me this journey
to share our down time
you make me feel alive
you give me something to look forward to each morning
I can sleep two hours with you and feel more refreshed than the whole 8 alone
I can only imagine living with you
waking in the middle of the night to record the flights of extacy
last night after you left I laid in bed awake in bed for the longest time
trying to talk to god and swirling musical visions in my head

its sad music that I hear now
but wait could we turn it all around
the relationship is about to begin
the relationship we should have had but couldn’t
while we were so mistaken
while I gave you the wrong Idea of love
while I showed you our animal side
and though it is beautiful it withers without the other love
which we are about to form
which we will create
which only we could share because out of the fog the was clarity and it was you
and only you could run this race by my side but you need strength and endurance
and I can only coach you
I cannot run this race dragging you
but I want you to keep up because only you can
if you give your all and never look back
onward we will go and forever we will have each other to look forward to
i must give you the strength to be great

love is a hard thing to define
there is a world out there all fighting for there chance to define it for you
I see it when I look into your eyes when I see the softness of your face
your quiet scared manerisms
I see you and thats all it takes for me to know what love is and isn't
I won't follow their definitions
I want to make our own